


Rules Were Made To Be Broken, Worlds Were Made To Be Explored

by SilentlyFighting



Series: One Shots! (5sos) [10]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Biting, Concerts, Dom Luke, Dom Michael, Dom/sub Undertones, Headspace, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Minor Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sub Ashton, Sub Calum, Trust, annoying friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-16 02:35:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8083297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentlyFighting/pseuds/SilentlyFighting
Summary: When rules are broken, sometimes the world is easier to live in. Calum, Luke, and Michael introduce Ashton to a world that he had no idea was so extensive in some ways and at first, he feels out of his depth, but soon he is so far in that he doesn't even care anymore.Or, the one where the boys show Ashton that liking boys is not necessarily a bad thing and he gets a boyfriend out of it, even though his friends are major cockblocks when it gets down to it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I swear, this story started out with innocent intentions and it just ran off the tracks and there was no getting it back so, I just went with it. It's mixed up and, admittedly, a little confusing but I swear it's all meant in a good way, like a total happy ending in my opinion.
> 
> I'm rambling, sorry. So, let me know in the comments what you thought and I promise to get back to everyone (when I climb out of the hole I dug for myself by writing this).  
> Also, since it's kind of a cliffhanger, let me know how you imagine it will end. Part 2 isn't out of the question but I am not sure currently where I would go with it so.... leave some ideas if you're interested.
> 
> See ya guys,  
> :P

Ashton’s POV

Tired.

It’s the only word I can think of to describe how I feel and even then it still doesn’t feel like it’s close enough to the actual truth. The kind of tired I feel cannot be solved by any amount of sleep – not that we get that much anyway – and that fact alone is enough to tell you just how bad it has gotten - yet every day I get up, paint a smile on my face and go on like nothing is wrong with me.

I’m “tired” and I am forever in a state of numbness, running on auto-pilot most of the time, but I can’t just stop living no matter how much I want to some days. I have no other choice but to keep going, no matter how much it has an impact on me, I have to keep going and pretend it doesn’t hurt when in reality I want to break down and stop it all right there and then.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

I lean my head on my hand, tapping a soft beat against the table in the bus. Calum is out doing something, he did tell me but I hadn’t been fully listening to him at the time. Luke and Michael are in the back room playing a game on the console. That leaves me doing my own thing, alone once again.

I don’t mind my own company every now and again but more often than not, recently at least, I’ve found myself on my own while the others do their own thing. I don’t blame them for wanting a bit of freedom after being stuck in the bus or a hotel room for so long, but it would be nice if they tried to include me every now and again.

Us boys are still close, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I just feel like they pull away slightly and have their own little groups that I am never quite part of. I originally thought it was because I am older than them but now I’m not so sure – maybe it’s me that isn’t trying hard enough to fit in with them.

I get up and make my way to my bunk, might as well hide away in here if I’m going to be on my own. I plug my phone into its charger before hooking up my headphones to it and putting my music list on shuffle and let it play quietly through the speakers on my headphones. I get comfortable and let the music lull me into a sort of nap. It won’t solve anything but it can help me escape even if it’s only for a short while.

Around an hour later, I hear the commotion as Calum comes back. The other two have been backwards and forwards a few times in that hour but have made no move to interact with me. I sigh but choose not to go and look; if they wanted me then they would come and get me.

I turn my back to the curtain, readjusting my headphones so that they don’t become uncomfortable, as much as I want them to include me, I also want them to leave me alone. It’s like my thoughts can’t make their mind up what it is exactly that they want to happen.

I jump when I feel someone shake my shoulder, turning over quickly and pulling my headphones off so that I can see and hear them but calming down when I see that it’s only Luke.

“We’re just pulling up to the hotel.” He informs me, speaking softly since I have just been woken up even if I hadn’t intended to fall asleep earlier. “Do you want one of us to get your bags or do you want us to leave them to you?”

I scrub my hand over my face before speaking. “Yeah, I’ll get them, it's fine.”

He sends me a small smile before leaving me alone so that I can collect my stuff to get ready to leave the bus. I collect my phone, my laptop and any other stuff I think I might need, putting them in my backpack before heading towards where the other three are waiting. I keep my head down, not wanting to make eye contact. I don’t know what it is but I feel like meeting their eyes might make them look at me differently. Obviously, I’m not feeling as great as I thought I was if I constantly feel like I’m going to be judged for even the smallest thing like making eye contact.

\-----------------------------------------------------

I quickly flick through the channels on the TV, not really paying attention to any of the titles that fly past as my mind wanders to other things. My anxiety from earlier is still weighing heavily on my mind, it doesn’t make sense why I thought they may look at me differently considering we’ve known each other for too long and seen more than enough of each other for it to have reached a point where there is no longer anything that we haven’t seen, leaving nothing to make a judgment on.

My mind is turning over so many thoughts right now that they are beginning to get jumbled up and it's starting to cause a headache. I switch the TV off, giving up on pretending that I was even remotely interested in anything that was on, although there is nobody else here to pretend around so I don’t know why I was even doing it. We all have rooms to ourselves so there is literally nobody to convince of anything with me right now, my mind just can’t let go of its stupid obsessions.

 I do my night routine quickly, just wanting to lie down and shut the world out until morning.

As I lay down, I hear my phone go off. Checking it, I see a message from Michael asking if I want to go out with them to some club nearby but I can’t find the energy to reply to the message so I just put it back on the bedside table and turn my back on it. After a few minutes of lying in silence, trying not to move too much, my body finally gives in and goes into a state of unconsciousness, not even reacting when the lock on the door is unlocked and the door is opened before being shut again as whoever it was leaves again.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

I follow the boys through the crowds, waving and smiling where appropriate but otherwise just trying to get through it as quickly as possible and into the venue so we can start setting up and do our soundcheck. I notice that I am starting to fall behind and it makes me panic but the crowd is already closing in on me by the time it fully comprehends that I am losing the boys and I’m going to be left alone. I even somehow managed to lose the guard that was closest to me.

Just when I beginning to properly panic, I feel a hand grab my arm and swing round to see Mikey pulling me closer to him and moving us back the way he came. I hold onto his sleeve tight and before long we are out of the crowd and safely inside the venue.

“Hey, you alright Ash?” Michael asks, holding me at arm’s length and trying to make eye contact.

I nod slowly; avoiding his eyes so that he doesn’t see the lie,  if that is even possible. He tries again before sighing, pulling me closer and wrapping an arm around me for a few seconds. He lets go after a few seconds before heading off after the other two who he says decided to race each other to the stage as soon as they got inside the doors. I huff out a deep breath before heading after him. When I see him watching the other two messing around amongst the seats from the stage, I move to stand just to the side of him.

“I’m sorry Michael.” I mumble, keeping my eyes focused in front of me even when I feel him look towards me.

He places a hand on my shoulder. “It's fine Ash, you panicked, anyone would have if they were in that situation.”

I nudge his hand off and move away to sit on the bare platform where my drums have yet to be set up. “Not just for that. For a lot of things recently. I’m sorry I pushed you guys away.”

Michael hesitates before moving and crouching in front of me so that he can see my face where it is downturned. “Hey, we all have times when we want to be alone. We just thought that this was you wanting space.” I shrug in response, turning my head away from him and biting my lip. “I’ll come to your room tonight and we’ll talk about this. Just you and me, though I doubt the other two will like being left out of the conversation. Whatever it is going around in that head of yours, all of it, we’re going to talk about it and then we’ll go from there.”

I pause before nodding. As much as Mikey is portrayed as someone who makes jokes out of things that are not funny or somebody that doesn’t care about others – well, he is nothing like that at all. If anything, Michael is actually really observant, he makes jokes, sure, but he knows when to tone it down and be serious. He cares about how the people around him feel and has been known to go to extreme lengths to get them to smile.

He’s a perfect friend... and perfect in other ways, but they’re not the kind of thoughts I should be having. That belief was drummed into me at a young age so that I would always remember it. I don’t share the same hatred for anyone who isn’t straight that my dad had, I may feel like an idiot for still following his rules after so long of him being gone, but I am not cruel or stupid. I know that it isn’t a choice who you fall for; it’s one of the only things in life that us humans will never be able to control.

I don’t hate Michael for liking both sexes and I definitely don’t hate Luke or Calum when they develop crushes on people or point out other guys to each other that they think are “cute”, they’re my friends and I can’t hate them because they mean too much to me, I just can’t be as enthusiastic about their views because it's been drummed into me that it isn’t right to have thoughts like that.

But, even so, I could never hate the boys, because after all, they were there when nobody else was and they are part of the reason that I am still here.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself if I hadn’t broken the only rule I managed not to break when my dad was still around - or around the time when I still believed that he was going to come back. No matter how untrue said rule was, I was never meant to fall for or have any “weird” thoughts about another guy because I was told that it is not right to do so; it still makes me disappointed in myself for yet again being a fuck up and doing the wrong thing all over again.

\---------------------------------------------------

Near the end of the concert, the boys decided to switch it up and do an acoustic set for the last two songs, basically our encore. I don’t mind that much, I love performing for our fans and hearing them sing the lyrics back to us, but it can be physically draining. Just as we finish the last song, I run my hand through my hair. I get up when I feel Calum nudge me, following him to the space where we form the line to take our final bow.

As I go to leave the stage, I feel something hit me in the back before bouncing off onto the stage. Turning, I find Michael smiling smugly at me as if he can get away with the whole thing just by smiling at me. I smirk and run at him, throwing him over my shoulder before carrying him off of the stage, feeling his arms wrap around my waist to hang on tightly as he laughs but stays still enough that I don't drop him.

Once we’re out of sight again, I put Michael down and continue walking, pulling the wires out of my shirt so that I can give the mic pack back to the crew member on the way past. Once I am free of the wiring, I hurry along to the dressing room, grabbing my clothes before going to the bathroom to change like I did when we changed earlier.

I don’t want them to see the scars or the more recent ones I added to the growing collection I have. They’re one of the reasons I don’t want to be alone too much because when I’m alone the thoughts take on a life of their own and this is what happens. I broke the rules and if my dad was still here, he would be so disappointed in me. But that’s only a small fraction of the thoughts that plague my mind when I am on my own and my barriers are down long enough for them to take over.

I sigh sadly, brushing softly over one of the healing cuts from two weeks ago before pulling on the clean shirt and shorts, bunching the other stuff up and preparing to throw it into my bag when I get out. I wrap a new bandana around my head, both to keep my hair out of my eyes and to try and make it look somewhat presentable.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

I stand with my back to the door as I hear Michael enter, watching the sun setting across the horizon and wondering what my siblings are doing right now, whether they’re asleep or out with friends. I lost track of time zones a while ago so I rely on the times that they call me. All I know, or can remember, is that they should be on a school holiday around now.

I hear Michael settle down on the bed before he starts to talk. “You ready to talk or should I leave you to brood for a little longer?”

I roll my eyes at his attempt at trying to lighten the mood. “Nice try Michael but I really don’t feel like joking around.”

He waits until I turn around to shrug softly, patting the bed beside him in an offering for me to sit down. I move to sit on the bed but keep a distance between us so I can make an escape if I have to. It’s a strange thing to have to consider but I remember the look on the boys faces the last time they found out about my cutting, if Michael finds out I have started again then I really don’t want to be here long enough to see the disappointment on his face all over again. That’s one thing I have to avoid in this whole conversation, though I feel like once I start talking I may not be able to control the words that leave my mouth.

“Michael, what were your parents like when you told them about you being bisexual?” I ask quietly, wringing my hands.

He sits up properly from where he had been lounging against the pillows, thinking it over. “They didn’t seem all that surprised but told me that they didn’t care who I liked, as long as I was happy. Basically, the same thing you told all of us when we told you about us. “He stops, shrugging. “My parents were always pretty chill with anything so I knew that they wouldn’t freak out.”

I think over his words before nodding slowly. “I guess I should have known that considering how much they used to point out guys to you and Cal to rate out of ten.”

He chuckles, nodding, before moving around again to sit back against the pillows. “That’s just my parents though. Not everyone has the greatest luck when they come out. I don’t even know how Calum and Luke's families took it; it never really came up in conversation when we were on this subject.”

“My sister fangirled. Apparently, she always wanted a gay brother so we that could discuss boys together. Thankfully she stopped making me do that with her when she got into music properly.” Calum states as he waltzes in with Luke close behind. I roll my eyes; of course they would invite themselves to take part in our conversation, they never have liked being left out of any conversation going on, but then again, who does?

Michael shrugs. “If we’re meant to have a serious conversation then we do it together, no splitting off because that’s when people get butthurt because they didn’t find out at the same time as the others. They’re the rules you made so don’t blame me for following them.”

I wince when he mentions following rules but duck my head to cover it up, him mentioning that only reminds me of the rule I broke, the one I promised my dad I would never break before he walked away from the family.

“My brothers were probably the only ones who found it hard to adjust to the news. They got more awkward around me when they found out that I had a slight preference for boys, trying not to be half dressed around me too much. My mum hit them with a dish towel and lectured them that I wouldn’t go chasing after my own brothers so they can “stop being children about the situation and grow up.” “

Calum shrugs. “Yeah, most parents are pretty chill. Why are we talking about this though? I thought you didn’t care about our preferences.”

I pause, I want to tell them everything but I know how stupid it would make me sound when they find out how bad I feel about breaking a rule that basically plots against them anyway.

Michael shifts closer and tries to wrap his arm around my shoulder but I stand and move back to where I was standing earlier, trying to ignore the hurt look that he shoots me.  I turn my back to them as I speak.

“Then what was wrong with me? I couldn’t even mention another guy in our house without my dad flying off the handle and accusing me of being gay. I never saw the problem with talking about other guys, but I did what he asked and stopped talking about any guys, even if they were only people I met and not even friends of mine. I wasn’t allowed to look after my siblings if he was around, that was woman’s work and no man should do that because that’s not right.” I drop my head, shoving my hands in my jean pockets. “I wanted to help though and I always got in trouble because I couldn’t help it. A slap for mentioning a guy, a shove here and there for trying to help my mum with Harry or Lauren. I got locked outside once... it was fine until I came back from hanging out with a girl, she was just a friend, and he found out that we hadn’t been up to anything. He didn’t want a prude in his house so he locked me out after giving me a mouthful. He hated that I wanted to save myself for the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with...I couldn’t take the disappointment on his face whenever it came up that I was still a virgin, so I gave it up to somebody that I don’t even remember.”

I hear shocked gasps behind me but now that I’ve started, it feels like the filter it had intended to use is just nonexistent now.

“I just wanted to make him happy so I did whatever it took. Got a girlfriend, made sure that we were pretty close when he was around but that happiness didn’t last long when I made a mistake and said the wrong thing. I was 14 but that didn’t matter because I was old enough to understand that I shouldn’t think like that. He beat me until he got his point across. The next day he gave me another rule, one that I couldn’t break for a lifetime, before leaving for work... he never came home and when I came home from school the next day, all of his stuff was gone. He left us forever, but while my mum and siblings were hurt by his actions, they were able to move on. I had to live with that rule that I promised to follow because I didn’t want him to be disappointed in me if he ever came back.”

I huff out a choked laugh, removing my hands from my pockets and moving back to the bed, I drop down on my back in the gap that the boys have left.

“I kept that promise for so long, but once again I am a disappointment to him because I managed to break the only rule I was ever left with.”

Luke, who is sensitive to others moods and hates when people are down, moves closer and curls up with me as Calum runs his fingers through my hair. Michael has his head turned away but I can see his jaw tightening and loosening as he thinks over what I said.

“That’s a lot to take in Ash. Why didn’t you tell us before?” Calum speaks up, breaking the silence that had enveloped the room after my words.

“I don’t hate you guys for what you are but the one rule I was left with goes against your views and your whole way of life. I couldn’t just say something like that if I wanted you guys to still see me the same way.”

“So it was a rule against our sexualities?” Luke clarifies.

“Something like that. Something that I was never meant to do that you three would probably do on a daily basis. I failed anyway.” I mumble.

“Hey, don’t say that. Maybe it’s a good thing that you’ve broken it now. Maybe now you won’t feel so bad if it happens again because the rule has already been broken so it’s no longer holding you back.” Calum tries to cheer me up.

I ignore his efforts though, focusing on Michael who is yet to speak.

“Your dad was a homophobic asshole Ashton and I don’t even need full details to have figured out that your precious rule had something to do with your sexuality, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked us about what our parents thought of it. Does your mum even know what he was doing to you? Beating a child is one thing but when you brainwash them to think a certain way as well, that’s when something should have been done.”

“What was anyone meant to do Michael? It was my own fault; I couldn’t follow the rules so I deserved the punishment I got. “I murmur exasperated.

“Wasn’t it you that told us that it was alright to think of someone as cute and that it was more important that we were happy, that gender didn’t necessarily matter?” Calum asks.

“I may have said it Calum because that is what I think and it made you feel better at the time, but that’s not what I am meant to think. Because I did the same thing, I broke the rule. I wish I didn’t feel as bad as I do about it, I wish I could escape the guilt it makes me feel, but I just wanted him to be proud of me after everything but I couldn’t do it. I’m useless, unable to follow one simple rule, I deserve whatever he would have done if he found out.” I shudder as I hold back the sobs, clenching my hands into fists and sitting up, getting away from Calum’s gentle touches and Luke’s warm embrace. “I just wanted him to be proud of me for the first time ever but I failed yet again.”

“You can’t punish yourself for somebody else’s sadistic views on us. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad for breaking rules but Ash...”Michael pauses before continuing quietly. “We both know he isn’t coming back. We’re proud of you and that means a whole lot more than having a homophobic asshole that beat you, being proud of you for following his cruel rules.” I flinch when he lays his hand on my shoulder but go with him when he pushes me back to the middle, on my back again. “Whatever it is the rule stated you had to do, it’s over now. You already broke it and now you’re free. It’s over now. We’re going to stay with you all night if we have to, until you believe us when we say that it doesn’t matter anymore, that we are here for you and that thinking and feeling things is fine. It’s what you would have done for us; please let us do this for you.” Michael whispers the last part.

I avoid his eyes, focusing instead on the print of the duvet. “F-fine.”

\------------------------------------------------------------

I wait for a while, listening to the quiet breathing of the boys as they rest around me. I know they are trying to help but words alone are never going to be able to erase how I feel – it honestly seems like nothing will stop me feeling the way I do. Late at night, like it is right now, is when I am physically able to feel both the numbness in my bones and the tiredness that is inescapable.

I move slowly, unwrapping the arms and legs that have wormed their way around me over the past few hours. Once I am free, I wait a few seconds to make sure I haven’t woken anyone before carefully making my way off of the bed. Just when I am nearly off of the end of the bed, a hand wraps around my wrist, stopping me from going any further.

“If you’re about to do what I think you are, then don’t. We’re here, you don’t need that.” Michael murmurs, his voice raspy, obviously having woken up while I was on the move just now.

I keep my breathing steady and try to appear as calm as possible. “It's alright, I need the toilet and to cool off, you three are like human furnaces.”

He waits a few seconds before unwrapping his hand from my wrist, seeming to reluctantly accept my reasoning for my walkabout. I move off of the bed properly and pull on some shorts, to get dressed semi-properly since I already have a t-shirt on to cover my top half, before making my way to the bathroom, locking the door behind me as quietly as I can. I do kind of need the toilet anyway so that’s the first thing I do after turning on the light. Once I’ve finished washing my hands, I take a second to just breathe, staring out my own reflection as I feel the numbness and tiredness settle in my bones whenever I am still.

My eyes glance at the reflection of the hotel's supply of disposable razors, specifically put out for us in each of our rooms, over on a shelf by the shower, right there in the open where you can see them when you need them. Of course we would pick the only hotel around that leaves temptation in plain sight of somebody like me – not that they knew this when we were checking in, they just wanted to impress us so that there is a slight possibility that we might come back.

I listen out for movement from the bedroom, glancing at the locked door warily, before turning to fully face temptation, letting my mind drift to how easily it would be to take one and make a new cut for my collection, feel something again. However, I know I don’t have much longer before Michael might come knocking on the door or trying to get in to make sure I’m not doing anything like that.

Without paying much attention, I find myself moving across the room to stand in front of the shelf, reaching out for the pack. Just as my fingers brush the packaging, there is a hard round of knocks on the door; breaking me out of the trance and making me jump back quickly.

That was pretty loud and was bound to have woken up the other two. I send the pack one last – albeit longing – look before moving to unlock the door and slip through, turning off the light as I go. I don’t get far though as I am grabbed as soon as I am through the doorway.

“You were taking too long. You good?” Michael asks quietly, trying to keep eye contact with me as I try to look away. There is a lamp on in the room and shuffling around on the bed so the other two are definitely awake. The last part of what he said is obviously about my habit, an old habit that I stopped a while ago as far as he knows.

I nod softly, trying to pry his hands off my shoulders. “I’m fine, Mikey. Let me go will ya, I just want to go back to bed and forget the day ever happened.”

He sighs but lets me go anyway, making no move to grab me again when I hurry away from him and crawl up the bed to settle in my place from earlier. Calum wraps his arms around me again, not minding when I use his shoulder to hide my face. Luke wriggles closer and takes the spot Mikey had been lying in when I moved earlier, pressing close so that I know that he is there but not wrapping me up so I don’t feel trapped. In their sleep, they can’t help it, but when we’re all awake, they do try to avoid trapping me in because it used to make me panic. It’s just a habit that none of them really grew out of, lying close to protect me but not wrapping me up too much so I don’t feel trapped and consequently begin to panic.

I can’t hear Michael in the room but I think I hear him in the bathroom, making me huff, it just makes me feel like a child. I’m basically being coddled by the boys right now and as soon as I come back from getting space, one of them has to go and make sure there is nothing suspicious, that there is nothing moved out of place in a suspicious way or any evidence of my “old” habit. I know they mean well but it doesn’t make it any less annoying or degrading.

Calum runs his fingers over my covered ribs before moving them back up and wrapping his arm around my side properly and pulling me more into his chest as he places his palm flat on my shoulder blade. Luke hums, nuzzling my head softly as he settles down. I hear Michael come back before he stops at the end of the bed.

“Ash, you’ve still got your shorts on.” He informs me softly as I feel his weight move onto the mattress by my feet. I grumble into Calum’s shoulder but make no move to take them off. “Do you want me to help you get them off or do you want to keep them on?”

I kick out at him weakly with no heat behind it, halting my movement when I feel his hand wrap around my ankle, his thumb rubbing soft circles into the bone. I move my free arm and push at the waistband of my shorts, fully aware that I cannot keep them on because it will be too hot. He kneels by my feet, helping me take them off; basically, all I have to do it move my hips and legs enough for him to manoeuvre them off of my body. Once they’re off, he crawls up the bed, leaning over me where I still lay in between the other two; Calum and Luke shift so that Mikey can use his arms to hold himself up either side of my body. He moves until he can comfortably lean down and kiss gently at my shoulder. I tense under his attention, the action foreign to me since he has never done this before to me and I’ve never seen any of them do this to anyone. Michael may be a very observant friend but he is very reserved when it comes to showing affection to anyone.

“You're doing so good Ash. We’re here for you no matter what.”  He whispers against the skin of my shoulder before moving away to settle down in the space behind Luke.

I take a few deep breaths, as the other two move back to how they were, as I try to calm down my racing heart and explain away his actions as him just comforting me. I feel Luke relax more against me as he falls asleep and I can hear Michaels deep breaths as he sleeps but Calum is still awake; his fingers are still rubbing soft circles into my shoulder in an effort to make me less tense, even if it isn’t working very well right now.

He shuffles around a bit, leaning his face down and nuzzling softly at the top of my head, humming softly as he still rubs softly at my tensed muscles. I wrap my free arm around him, slumping more against him as it seems to hit me just how close I was earlier to giving in when the boys were barely feet away from me in the next room. I try to stay quiet but I know that Calum can feel the dampness that is making an appearance on his chest as I make no attempt to stop the tears from falling, the situation just too real and fresh in my mind to be able to explain away, even for me.

Calum sighs softly but wraps his arms tighter around me, letting me cry into his chest without prompting me to explain why. He is letting me know that he is there if I need him but I don’t have to explain anything if I don’t want to, he’ll still do whatever it takes to help me even without an explanation behind any of my episodes.

I must cry myself to sleep because I never hear the end of the song that Calum was humming softly into my ear in an effort to calm my quiet sobs, but I do feel Luke shift closer in an obvious way, my distress must have woke him up, in an attempt to provide some comfort of his own even if he has no idea how to help me while I am in such a state. They work together to calm me down enough to fall asleep and keep me quiet so that we don’t wake Mikey, who will blow the whole thing out of proportion. I appreciate their efforts, their understanding that I don’t want to talk about it, I just want to deal with it quietly with them just helping me without poking around for answers.

Like I said, I never hear the end of the song because I drift off to sleep, my body worn out and just letting go off all the stress and shutting down to rest.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning is quiet, nothing going on until the show later on tonight so nobody is in a rush to go anywhere, however I feel the other three get up and head to the bathroom to wash up and whatever else as they wake up one after another, two of them stay with me no matter what. I have been awake for an hour or so, woken by Michael tripping over something on his way to the bathroom when he woke up, but I don’t want to get up and face the day knowing that the boys know a bit more of what is going on in my head than I am used to and two of them were doing what they could to help me last night when I broke down.

Quiet conversations go on around me as they go about their day but stay close by for some reason or another. It’s another hour and a half before I have to give in and make a move to get up, I can only ignore my bladder for so long and after having been ignoring it for quite a while it is actually starting to hurt. I stumble my way across the room, still very tired even though I slept right through from when I drifted off in Calum’s arms to when Michael got up.

After finally giving some relief to my bladder and washing my hands quickly, I go back to the room to find new clothes so that I can shower, even if I just want to crawl back into bed. I rub my eyes and run my hands through my hair hoping to find something to make me feel more awake but it doesn’t help, not even a little. I trip over somebody’s shoe on my way, in my tired state of mind I decide kicking it out of the way is the solution to the problem but it only ends up hurting my foot even more. I even somehow manage to trip over my own suitcase; at that point I give up and crawl onto the bed, pulling at the duvet until I can pull it over my head with a tired groan. I already feel like giving up on the day and it’s barely started yet. I curl up under the duvet, willingly shutting everything out and hoping to go back to sleep until it’s time to leave.

The boys had been scattered around the room, watching me as I made my way around the room, but I feel a weight move onto the bed with me, pulling the duvet away which prompts me to hide my face in the pillows when the light hits me in the face again, my eyes having adjusted to the dulled down light that found its way under the duvet before it was ripped away from me.

They move the duvet away completely, even going to the lengths of shoving it off the bed, so I now have nowhere to hide other than the pillows. I feel them move again before they lie with their chest to my back. I don’t take my head out of the pillows so I cannot be one hundred percent sure who it is but I know that it isn’t Calum because he is too muscular to be this person, which just leaves Michael and Luke.

I focus on how much of our bodies align and how their body presses against mine, and it soon becomes obvious that it isn’t Luke because he is taller than this so it is definitely Michael. His actions from last night are still in my mind but I am not going to dwell on it because it could have just been in the moment. His actions went against the rule I was meant to follow but I guess Calum was right, now that I’ve already broken the rule it doesn’t feel as bad to break it again because there isn’t a rule to break anymore.

I sigh, relaxing into his hold and into the mattress, moving my head out of the pillows so that I can breathe but other than that I don’t move that much for the next quarter of an hour. Michael nuzzles against my shoulder and the back of my neck softly a few times in them 15 minutes but I tense when he gets more insistent in his movements. He starts to try harder to get at my neck properly and it’s not something I’m used to so I try to keep him away.

“Ash, calm down, he’s not trying to hurt you.” Luke speaks, making me jump. My eyes flick open and over to where he is sitting in the chair by the window, his eyes watching Michael carefully though his words are directed to me.

I seek out Calum and find him on the phone to someone in the corridor but the door is open so that I can still see him. The next time Michael tries again, somehow it just makes me feel panicked because it’s not an action I’m used to and I don’t know what he is trying to do so it’s a natural reaction to try and avoid it, I move away from him a bit. Unfortunately for me, he just follows me but not straight away trying again.

Calum comes back into the room, having finished his call, and shuts the door behind himself before making his way over and climbing onto the bed, batting at Michael until he gets up and leaves the bed. Once he is gone, I start to relax. I trust Michael a lot, but because I don’t know what he is trying to do so it makes me uncomfortable.

“He really isn’t trying to do anything to hurt you but I can see that you were getting uncomfortable with it.” Calum mumbles, sitting up against the headboard where Mikey had been laying. Michael had disappeared to the bathroom when Calum kicked him off of the bed.

I roll onto my back, giving both Calum and Luke curious looks because they apparently knew what he was doing even if I didn’t. Before I can open my mouth to ask, Luke speaks up.

“It's an intimate action so I get why you freaked out a bit, but I did kind of think that you would have experienced it before since it's widely used in straight relationships as well, in a more dulled down version at least.  It’s kind of a trust action though so maybe it’s for the best that you didn’t give into him, it might have made you even more uncomfortable if he did get an opening.”

I sit up, trying to make sense of his words. “What kind of action?”

Luke looks to Calum who nods, consenting apparently, moving to kneel on the edge of the bed so that he is slightly higher for Luke to reach, his back to Luke’s chest when Luke makes his way over. Calum tips his head forwards as Luke nuzzles in similar patterns to those that Michael had been doing. When Luke makes a more insistent nudge, Calum moves his head to the side, exposing his neck to Luke as he catches my eyes.

My eyes widen when I see Luke duck down and bite down at the newly exposed skin in front of him. He holds it for a second or so before letting go, kissing gently where he had bitten then moving away again. Calum straightens up and moves back to where he had been sitting while Luke sits back in his chair but keeps an eye on Calum.

“What the fuck...” I murmur, my eyes drifting between the two now silent boys.

“See it doesn’t hurt. We get it that you panicked because you may not have ever seen it or experienced it before.” Calum tries to make it seem less than it is.

“You just bit him...” I mumble, my eyes on Luke.

“The action is about trust. Exposing your neck to another person and trusting them not to go too far and hurt you. Calum trusted me so he knew I wouldn’t hurt him.” Luke replies.

“If it's so much about trust, why are you still watching him?” I ask curiously, wanting to know more now that I am starting to let go of the guilt and just relax for now.

“It's an action taken from Dom/sub dynamic. Normal couples do the dulled down version but it is still based on that but less biting and more like hickeys, kind of like I said earlier. It came about when some of the non-straight community wanted something unique that had a lot more meaning than normal consent so they started this. It’s just something everyone has slowly adopted. Our version is a bite, not intended to hurt the other person, but a version you might have seen is exposing the neck for your partner to kiss or lick, maybe even give a hickey there.” Luke replies immediately, knowing that I don’t mind long explanations because they just give me more information to work with.

Calum speaks next so I turn my head to him. “It’s kind of a duty to look out for the other person after such actions because it can affect people differently depending on their state of mind. Doing an action such as this at the wrong time could mean that they have to do more stuff but if they’re alright, calm like I am, then it’s ok to leave them be.”

“So, it’s still kind of like the Dom/sub stuff with the mindset but otherwise, it’s just a show of trust?” I ask which gets a nod from both of them.

“Yeah, Luke and I have done it before so I knew I could trust him but Luke was keeping an eye on you when Michael was here because you haven’t done anything like it by the looks of it and Michael is the type of person to act first and think later.” Calum mumbles, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his side.

I wriggle around until I find a comfortable position and nuzzle at his neck softly. I lock eyes with Luke, silently asking him to join us and smile softly when he moves from his chair and moves to lie against my back much like last night but with his arm around my waist this time.

“Why can’t I join in the cuddles?” Michael whines, making me jump.

Luke grumbles as Calum rubs at my shoulder. “Behave yourself and you might be allowed to.”

I seek out Michael and feel bad when I see how downcast he looks by Luke’s statement.

“I thought he would be fine. I’m sorry...” He mumbles, dropping into the chair Luke vacated.

I can’t look at him when he looks that sad to I hide my face in Calum neck. Calum hums softly; I can feel the vibration in his throat, before speaking softly to me. “He’s fine Ash. He’s learning just as much as you are.”

I nuzzle more at his neck, hesitating when he tips his head a little to give me more room, but continue when Luke mumbles that it’s fine. I don’t do anything, just nuzzle different places and breathe in his scent as I just doze for a while.

I startle when I feel Calum start to move, obviously trying not to wake me as he moves off of the bed to go somewhere. I move off of him, feeling around for Luke but giving up when I realise he isn’t there either. I huff, going quiet though when I see Michael moves into view.

He seems to hesitate but I make grabby hands at him after rolling onto my back so that my hands are free from where I was laying on them. “Cuddle Mikey.”

He moves to lie with me, wrapping his arms around me but keeping his distance still. I open my eyes again, glaring at his chest in annoyance; this is not what I meant when I wanted him to join me. I wriggle until he releases his arms so that I can move.

I push him onto his back and get up close to his side, putting one of my legs between his so that my thigh is basically resting near his crotch, and burrow my head into the side of his neck as I rest on one of my arms and put the other one on his chest. He seems to get the idea and rubs the arm on his chest gently while using the other arm that his still around me to pull me tightly to his side in a safe embrace.

“Are you feeling better now?” He asks softly.

I breathe softly before giving him a half-hearted shrug, not even sure what I feel right now just content to rest close to him and enjoy the sharing of body heat that is going on right now.

“Ash.” He says softly. “C’mon, are you hungry?”

I barely shake my head but I don’t really care right now. I can feel him tense slightly under me though, which is weird but this is Mikey we’re talking about, he is always weird so I just nuzzle softly at his neck in what I hope is a comforting way.

I tune out the sounds around me and just rest, much like I did earlier, I know we still have ages until we have to leave since we were up early and I saw the clock when I turned over that stated its only around half 11 in the morning right now.

“Luke, can you see Ashton from where you are?” He asks, rubbing at my lower back softly when I start to move around.

“Not his face, why?” Luke asks back as I hear movement from two separate places, one of them coming back into the room from the bathroom.

Michael stays quiet for a few seconds before he speaks to me again. “Ash, do you want to go with Calum to get some food?”

I immediately tighten my grip on his shirt, whining lowly as I move closer to him even if there is literally no room to move into. He rubs at my back again, calming me down again.

“Ashton.” Calum calls me from somewhere by the door.

“Mhmm” I hum but make no attempt to turn towards him.

I startle when I feel a different hand on my shoulder but calm down when it clicks that it must be Luke. I shake my head softly when he tries to get me to turn to him, whimpering softly into Michael’s neck until he lets me go. I start to tune them out again but when I feel a hand grip the back of my head in a secure hold, I pay attention quickly.

“Ashton, move back for me. I just want to see your face.” Luke’s voice sounds different now and something about it makes me want to do whatever it says.

I wriggle slightly, hoping to get rid of the grip but it just tightens and I give in and move away from Michael, closing my eyes against the light and moving towards where Luke is kneeling. The grip loosens the more I move away from Michael and soon I can feel his thumb rubbing soft circles into my neck.

I reach out for Michael but he isn’t there anymore, causing a whimper to escape my lips.

“Look at me Ash.” Luke speaks again.

I slowly open my eyes, taking the time to adjust to the light again, once I can see properly I turn my head to Luke to see what he wants. Once his eyes meet mine, I feel his grip on my neck get slightly tighter in a grounding sort of way.

“Michael did you –“Luke start but cuts himself off when Michael immediately says no. He stays quiet, pulling me up into a sitting position and making us face to face, stopping me from moving around too much so that we stay eye to eye. “Snap out of it Ash. We need you to come back so we can do our show today.” He mumbles to me, holding my jaw in place so I cannot look away.

My eyes flick between his, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, snap out of what? I’m fine. I turn my attention away from him when I lose interest in what he is mumbling under his breath. I see movement out of the corner of my eye and see Calum moving towards a shocked looking Michael. I wrap my hands around Luke’s wrists, pulling them away from me.

“Hurts Luke. Let go.” I tell him as I try to pry his hands off of me.

He frowns, moving to block my view of the other two but thankfully letting me go. “Talk to me Ash.”

“Don’t want to.” I reply, suddenly more interested in my hands.

“Talk Ashton.” There’s that tone again.

“Nothing to talk about.” I immediately speak even if it’s not what he wants to hear. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

He seems to relax the more I talk so I obviously did something right. “Look at me Ash.”

I look up and meet his eyes, watching him as he searches for something in my eyes before relaxing. When he relaxes I feel better. It dawns on me that maybe he is good at picking up on people’s distress and emotions because he has dealt with this stuff before, that what he said about that action earlier may have some resemblance to this.

He pulls me forward into a hug, now fully relaxed and letting me do whatever, without any trace of that tone he mumbles into my ear, “Thank you Ashton, for doing as I asked you.”

I smile against his shoulder, glad that I did something right considering I usually mess everything up.

When he lets go, he gets up and says something to Calum who nods and motions for me to go with him as Luke goes to Michael but waits until we are on our way out before even attempting to say anything.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

I follow Calum as he walks towards the elevator at the end of the corridor, having pulled on a pair of shorts before we left, with my hands shoved in my pockets. He looks back every now and again to make sure that I’m still following before wrapping his arm around my waist when I finally reach where he is waiting by the buttons, one already lit up obviously having already been pressed while I was taking so long to get here.

I stay quiet as we ride the elevator down to the lobby and just follow him as he heads towards the cafe/restaurant area which has a buffet set up at this time of day, you can get whatever because it’s all included in the price of the stay. Calum stocks up two plates before motioning me to follow him to a booth in the corner away from most of the other people in here. Once we are sat down, he shoves one of the plates to me. I stare down at the food on the plate but decide to just eat since that’s apparently what he wants me to do. I pick at a few bits, slowly feeling better even if I hadn’t realised I was hungry before.

“You don’t have to get embarrassed Ash, you didn’t ask for it to happen and sometimes you can’t control when it does happen.” He speaks after a while of me just picking at things, him having been making sure I was eating and having something for himself.

I shrug, not sure what I am meant to say to that. It takes a second or so before I find my voice. “What even happened? He was asking me to do something but I felt fine so it just confused me.”

“You’ve heard of subspace, well it’s kind of like that. You weren’t feeling that great and when you finally told us what was going through your head – even if that isn’t everything and we both know it – you began to relax. Luke and I were careful because we thought this might happen.” He sends me a reassuring look before speaking again. “It happens to me when I try to hide things and eventually tell somebody, Luke helps me too because he somehow has the most experience with it. He may be the youngest of us all but he has done his research and a fair share of dealing with drops – which is the name for what happened to you and what happens to me too.” He pauses, sipping his drink as he thinks over his words so that they are in a way that I will understand. “Michael can help too but he has only had experience with full drops, as in needing to be told everything. I wasn’t close enough to be able to help so I helped to keep Michael calm because somehow we are special when we drop because we are more aware of people’s emotions, Michael couldn’t panic because it could affect you.”

I nod, having taken in his words and already getting a basic understanding of what happened. “Do we have to rely on them? It’s never happened before so I don’t know what happens now. Does it happen to them too?”

He pushes his plate away, having finished his food while I was talking. “Not necessarily, I still live my own life but sometimes it’s relieving to be able to go to someone and feel grounded again. Drops are fine so long as they are controlled otherwise it can get you hurt. Drops are actually quite calming as long as they are properly controlled and with someone around that knows what they’re doing, hence why, if I need a break, I have gone to Luke in the past, and still currently do.” He shares that personal bit of information in the hope that it will make me feel more comfortable with whatever is going on now. “You and I are still human and live our own lives. You can still be the Ashton we’ve always known, just sometimes you will need to be grounded again.” He gives me a look. “Don’t think that we’re not free because that’s not true. I’m not tied to anyone, but I do go to Luke when I need to be grounded or if I feel like I’m going to drop.” He repeats the last bit again, obviously thinking I either hadn’t been listening or maybe to show that what happened isn’t something to be scared of no matter how confused I felt at the time.

“What about them? You didn’t answer that question.” I turn my full attention to him, finished with eating my fill which isn’t much but I’m not that hungry.

“There are two things I want to say first. One, it doesn’t happen to everyone in any community. It’s more of an ability to be able to push everything away and drop into another mindset with full trust in somebody else to look after you. Two, while Michael and Luke are able to help us, Michael is still learning how to help from Luke so if you want Michael to help you then it's best to be around at least Luke too in case something goes wrong.” When I nod in understanding, he goes on to answer my question. “As for them dropping, that’s a no. They can’t do that but from what I can tell, they enjoy being able to help and look after people who can. It’s kind of a privilege to have someone put their full trust in you like that.”

I meet his eyes and see the truth in them, but as I think back to earlier I can’t help but smirk. “Does that make you Luke’s sub?” I joke.

“No, you asshole.” He laughs. “I trust him but neither of us are that interested in each other like that so it’s just him helping me when I drop and being best friends when I’m fully aware, that just how we roll but it works differently for different people.”

He sticks his tongue out at me when he finishes speaking and that just makes me laugh. I pat my pockets before remembering that I didn’t grab my phone. I grumble but perk up when I see Calum gets his out of his pocket and shows me the time right now.

**_12:18_ **

“When are we meant to be leaving?” I ask after going over some of the times I know things are meant to go on today.

He informs me that we could leave whenever but our tour team thought we might appreciate a free morning so we were meant to be picked up at half one. I think it over before nodding, thinking of what I should do, maybe a walk would help me to organise my thoughts and store all the new information I’ve been given over the last 24 hours.

I follow Calum as we make our way back to my room where everyone has basically set up camp over the last day and however much it amounts to in smaller hours. Calum and I decide to race from the elevator to the room and I can’t help the glee I feel when I make it first and barrel into the room with Calum not far behind. We collapse onto the bed to catch our breath even though we are both laughing at the fact that Calum nearly ran into a door to a cupboard or storeroom that had been opened just as we were running past.

“Don’t laugh; I could have been knocked out.” He tries to sound angry but he’s laughing too much as well for it to have any effect.

I calm down enough to get one sentence out. “You may have come out of the closet but it wants to knock you back in apparently.”

He sits up straight away and glares playfully at me as I scramble back, still giggling. He growls before jumping at me and tickling any skin he can get his hands on until I finally give in and admit defeat.

“Oh my god, we have to try that again when there are no doors trying to take you out.” I mumble, now finally being able to speak after getting some air back in my lungs. Calum nods in agreement; I can feel the movement on my shoulder where he has his head.

Luke jumps onto the bed with us, getting into the middle and getting Calum to tell him what happened now that we can talk again and have calmed our laughter. I wriggle off of the bed and make my way to my suitcase, finally grabbing some clothes so that I can go through with my plan of going out on that walk. Once I have put an outfit together, I take it with me to the shower, locking the bathroom door behind me. I feel my muscles relax under the warm water as I wash away all the soap and feel clean again. Once I get out, I shave off the scruff that has started to build up and brush my teeth since I forgot to do so this morning because I was half asleep. Once I am dressed, I clean up any water on the floor and put the towel I used in the hamper since its one of the hotels anyway.

I leave the bathroom with my dirty clothes which I straight away put in a plastic bag with the rest of my used stuff that is in my suitcase. I look around once that’s done, noticing that the other three are all on the bed now, lounging around and watching something on the TV.

I smile, before grabbing my phone and putting my room key in my pocket. I take another look around in case I forget something before deciding to grab my sunglasses, already glad that I had already included a hoodie in my outfit. With that, I move towards the door but don’t get far before my name is called, my hand barely touching the handle before I have to look back.

“Where are you going?” Mikey whines.

“I’m going for a walk before we go to soundcheck. It’s too late to go to the gym so I’m going for a walk instead.” I reply, turning to go again but once again I am stopped.

Luke is up and next to me quicker than I thought he could ever move. His hand lands on the back of my neck and I instantly meet his eyes, a second nature to just follow through with eye contact after his hand is in place.

He rests his forehead on mine, eyes looking straight into mine. “Look after yourself and we will see you when you get back.”

“Okay.” I answer before leaving once he lets me go, ready to go and explore and get a chance to organise everything in my head.

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I get back with 6 minutes to spare before we are meant to be picked up to leave. I didn’t mean to take as long as I did but I just lost track of both time and direction so it took me longer to get back. I rush through the lobby and take the stairs since there are quite a few people waiting for the elevator and I don’t have much time left before we are meant to be leaving to get to the venue.

Once I reach our floor, I bolt down the corridor and shove open the door. Slumping back against it when I see that the boys are still here, looking worriedly at me but still here nonetheless.

Once I get some of my breath back I start to collect some clothes for after the show and shove them into a backpack, checking that there is still some stuff in it from last time. I nod without looking up when Calum asks if I had something to eat while I was out because we have no time for lunch while we’re at the venue. They all leave to their own rooms and I quickly make sure I have everything before getting out of the room and to the lobby as fast as I can, not wanting to be the reason that we are late, but I turn up first anyway.

I rush through the crowd like we are being advised to do because it is a little crazy right now, and jump into the van, taking a seat in the back corner so I can curl up. I put my headphones in my ears when I notice the boys through the lobby doors getting ready to make the run themselves, turning my music up and shoving my discarded hoodie behind my head to use as a pillow against the window.

I rest my head back against my makeshift pillow with the side of my head rested against the headrest of my seat. I feel the slide of the door as it is thrown open for the others to jump into the van and vaguely hear them as they chatter. Two of them sit in the row in front of me and I feel the other one by my feet as they sit down, careful not to land on my toes as they move them back slightly.

My phone is in my hand so I turn down the volume on the music so I can hear them without having to turn it off. It’s mostly in case they say something directed at me so that I can answer them. Nothing major gets said on the journey there so I end up turning the volume back up and just resting as I go over things that are still lingering in my mind.

We beat the traffic so we arrive a little earlier than planned; it’s not a problem though as everything that hadn’t already been done from yesterday had been set up before we arrived. We do a slightly longer soundcheck, just messing around for a while before leaving the stage so that the crew can do their thing without us being in the way all the time. We go to our dressing room instead; it’s our private area from the crew where it can be just as four and the crew only knock on the door, never really opening it in case somebody is changing within the room.

I drop my bag near the sofa and sit on the arm as I watch the other three, paying more attention to the behaviour of the other two around Calum, seeing that he is right when he says that he doesn’t get treated differently and the other two don’t actually change how they behave around him, acting the same around him as they do each other. Luke, I just noticed, does have a habit of laying his hand on someone when he is directly speaking to them. With Calum, his hand always lands on his shoulder while Luke puts his hand on Michaels back when talking to him. Michael doesn’t do it so much but he does touch Calum every now and again.

I jump out of my thoughts when I hear my name called quite loudly, obviously not the first time it’s been said.

“Huh?” is all that comes out when I look up.

“Are you sure you’re good to go for tonight’s show?” Michael asks carefully which gets an eye roll from Luke who is behind him with Calum.

“I’m fine Michael.” I respond, getting my phone out of pocket and slipping down to sit on the seat instead of on the arm.

I reply to a couple texts from friends in the area and check my social media apps as I try to pass the time.  I start getting uncomfortable after a while and move to lean my side more against the back of the sofa with my arm across the top and bent back so I can use it as a pillow. I don’t realise it until I look up, feeling eyes on me, that I have my hand wrapped around the back of my neck as I focus on my phone. Calum looks curiously at Luke but nobody moves so I go back to ignoring it, now finding it easier to focus anyway as I follow and reply to people on twitter, feeling content right now.

I look up from my screen when I see Michael land on the sofa in front of me. He smiles at me softly, before holding his arms out for. I see no problem with it so I move forward to hug him. I move so that I am against his side with my legs over one of his, in his lap, when he doesn’t let go straight away, his hand replacing mine on the back of my neck. I go back to my phone as I lie against his shoulder, his hand a constant weight against my neck that I have grown to not mind even in such a short time, although I don’t know if I can keep up with the constant need to do this action from both of them. Calum doesn’t keep getting attacked like this, even if it does feel good.

I frown when I accidently find a hate tweet in my timeline, I didn’t mean to but now I can’t seem to not see them. As I scroll I seem to find more and more, some talking about me in general while others criticize my performance from yesterday.

I look up as my phone drops from my hands, looking for anything and instantly spotting my bag. Michael catches my phone before it hits the floor but nobody else knows the password so I’m not scared that he will see it too. I get out of his grip after seeing the time on my lock screen, not too early to start getting ready, and grab my bag after quickly telling them that I want to start getting ready early.

I lock the door quietly behind me and pull off my shirt. Once it’s off I look over the collection I have so far in this area, which isn’t much right now. I dig out my kit from the bottom of my bag, finding my blade, gauze and a bandage. I add three new cuts to the collection, in a neat row with the rest, letting them bleed out for a minute or so as I let out a relieved sigh at finally being able to relieve the insistent itching under my skin, before starting to clean them up. I finish putting the bandage on and keep it in place with a pin since I ran out of tape a few days ago.

I change quickly so that I can get out of here quickly and so that the boys don’t get suspicious. Once I have everything, I shove my other clothes in my bag for now, since I’m going to need them after the show when I change back, and make sure my kit is hidden at the bottom again. I adjust my tank top that I will be wearing on stage tonight and make sure that it’s baggy enough for movement without showing the top of the bandage. Once I am happy that it doesn’t, I leave the room, throwing my bag back where it had lain earlier and heading towards the mirror.

I do what I can with my hair so that when I tie the bandana on it doesn’t go mental, Calum helps me tie it but once it’s on I look over my appearance again to pick out anything that is wrong. I am so busy looking for imperfections that the hand on my neck makes me jump but I listen to the words they mumble into my ear as their eyes look me over in the mirror.

“There is nothing wrong with you. You look as amazing as ever.”

I shiver but give in to his words, leaning into the touch. He stays close to me for a few more seconds until I pull away, that’s when Michael moves away to do his own thing. I had turned my head to watch him leave but as soon as he is gone I can’t help but go back to frowning at my own reflection but I turn my back on it when I unconsciously start searching again.

I halt unsure what to do when I turn to see Calum leaned back into Luke’s chest, eyes shut but listening to whatever Luke is saying. I’m guessing that this is him being grounded or whatever he called it. When Michael goes past me again, he reaches out to touch me but I avoid his touch as I make a move to head towards the door. He seems to shrug it off and lets me go without complaint.

I hang around with the backstage crew for a little while before getting wired up ready to go since there is talk about opening the doors early and starting the show earlier since we’re running ahead of time and they don’t want us hanging around too much in case we cause trouble or end up injuring ourselves doing something stupid out of boredom.

Soon, the backstage area is bustling as we all get ready to start, the intro video sequence already showing. The other three are in the process of getting wired and Calum seems to be back to himself now. My cue is nearly up and as soon as I get the signal I run up to my kit and start up the baseline that the boys will be playing their instruments to for the intro. As soon as I start up the rest of the notes the lights go up and they’re playing with me, the crowd going mental and loving every minute of it already and we’re only just starting.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

The show went well, the fans were louder than last night and there were very little mishaps. The other three were full of energy and constantly interacting with each other and the crowd, nobody getting more attention than the others. Michael and Luke still took the time to mess with each other and Calum tag teamed with each of them at one point or another to trip the other or make them mess up even if it didn’t always work.

I feel so drained by the end of the show, I’ve drunk so much water yet I am soaked so I don’t even know how much of the water I have left in my system to actually use to rehydrate me. We do the bow and everything before taking our leave, making our way to the dressing room to calm down; we get an hour or so before they start to round us up.

The other three are full of energy and immediately go for the snack that the crew left for us but I just drop down in a chair and try to relax. Playing shows leaves you with so much adrenaline, but something just feels different tonight; like I’m drained and full of energy all at once and I can’t figure out if I want to rest or run around for hours. I open my eyes when someone pokes my cheek, seeing Luke smiling childishly at me.

I roll my eyes and push his face away with my whole hand which gets a laugh out of him. Michael and Calum are throwing some colourful sweets at each other and soon Luke joins in. I groan tiredly and get up to change, doing so quickly in the other room, not wanting to waste time considering I just want to curl up and sleep already even if it’s just to get rid of this weird feeling.

I down another bottle of water in the time that it takes for the boys to finally finish getting ready to leave and I wasn’t even drinking that fast. I take a deep breath as we exit out of the back door before ducking down into the van that will be taking us to our last night at the hotel before we get back on the bus tomorrow morning.

I make sure I get the seat in the corner again but Calum joins me in the back this time as we lean against each other, I just doze on his shoulder as he talks animatedly with the two in front of us. I grumble but grab my bag when we pull up to the hotel and Calum nudges his shoulder to wake me up a bit.

As soon as I reach my room, I just crawl onto my bed and ignore the other three that follow me in shortly after, having left to get their suitcases and lock up their rooms so we’re all staying together again tonight. I turn my head only when I feel Calum move to lay with me. I wrap my arm around his ribs and pull him closer as I press my lips softly to his cheek and nuzzle at his neck before just resting. I feel him slump against me and move back, slightly alarmed, but relax when I see that Luke once again has his hand on Calum’s neck in that solid grip that helped me earlier.

“How did I not notice any of this before?” I mumble as I pull a pillow closer to my chest but direct my question at the others.

“We usually don’t notice the things we aren’t looking for.” Luke replies, strangely making sense.

I pay more attention to Michael though when he keep trying to touch me. “Go away.” I grumble at him, catching his hands when he jokingly tries again. “Don’t want to play games Michael.”

He hums but can’t resist another try which ends up with me kicking him backwards off the end of the bed. “Sleep. No games.” I mumble as I curl up with the pillow tight to my chest.

“Ashton, you have to change, you’re still fully dressed, and I refuse to let you sleep with a pillow pressed to your chest because you will get all stiff and start complaining tomorrow when it hurts.” Michael grumbles, apparently deciding to be a grown up now and stop playing.

I groan into the pillow but ignore him in favour of curling up tighter and keeping the pillow close. It hurts to be curled up this tight and have the pillow pulled so tightly against me, the action pulling on the already sore skin of tonight’s cuts, but I don’t feel like doing anything that he wants from me right now. I’m tired and I just want to stay here.

He waits for a few seconds before trying to grab hold of me again, not being able to get a good grip because I keep squirming and kicking at him.

“Ashton, just be an adult for once in your life and get ready for bed. I am not fighting with you over something as stupid as this.” Michael growls after finally leaving me alone.

His words, for some reason, hurt more than they usually would and I curl up tighter in response and hide my face in the pillow that I keep close to my chest. I bite my lip when I feel my eyes sting as if I’m about to cry, I can't believe I am acting so childish right now but he didn’t have to be so mean about it. I hiss quietly when movement on the bed causes one  of the cuts to pull slightly, hoping that the pillow muffled the sound enough and relaxing slightly when nothing bad happens around me and nobody says anything about it, if it was obvious at least.

I feel the heat from Calum’s body move around a bit before I can hear him breathing calmly as his hand comes down to play with my curls that are still being held back by the bandana since I haven’t bothered to remove anything.

“Michael, leave him for a bit. He worked his ass off tonight; he’s probably just tired so he’s getting snappy.” I hear Luke from nearby as the sound of fabric can be heard; obviously one or both of them are changing. Calum took most of his clothes off as soon as he entered the room so there’s only me left fully dressed.

Calum starts to softly run his nails over my scalp after undoing the bandana, which I put up no fight about being taken off, which makes me whimper softly with how good that motion feels. I hear the other two freeze but Calum just chuckles and keeps doing it.

Slowly, his other hand starts to try and work towards the hem of my shirt at the bottom of my back. It isn’t hard for him to find it considering my jeans hang low and where I am curled up you can no doubt see my underwear where the shirt doesn’t go down far enough to cover it. When his fingers brush my lower back, I freeze solid as his fingers are barely centimetres away from the bottom of where I have wrapped the bandage around my abdomen.

He pulls his hand back quickly but I am already pulling away and getting off the bed, away from his wandering hands. I grab a clean shirt and a pair of shorts from my bag, thankful that I took the time to wash all of my stuff when we had time a couple days ago, and slam the bathroom door behind me, speedily locking it before one of the other two can even have a chance to come after me. I panicked and now as I stand, arms bracing me against the sink, I realise how weird that must have looked to the other three.

I pull my old shirt off, checking the placement of the gauze and bandage to make sure it hasn’t moved around too much, before pulling the new shirt on to cover it up again. With that done, I pry my jeans off and pull my socks off, both after kicking my shoes off. Once everything is off and I’ve pulled on my shorts, I bundle my clothes up and pick my shoes up then make my way back to the bedroom. I drop my stuff on top of my bag, resolving to put it away in the morning since they’re the least of my worries right now. I make sure my phone is plugged into the charger as well, getting rid of any of the not so important notifications.

Now that I have nothing left to waste time doing, I realise that I still have that weird feeling like I had from after the show – energised and drained at the same time. I know the other three are still here but I suddenly want to do something so I find Michaels laptop by his bag.

“Cal, play?” I ask as I turn to him pointing to the device.

He perks up quickly, scrambling off of the bed where he had been relaxing again and following me to a free space on the floor where we can both sit comfortably and put the laptop in a place that we can both see it. Once we are both comfortable, I let him choose a game that we can both play.

We don’t play for long because Luke starts complaining about being tired so we have to pack up, I make sure to put the device on charge for Mikey so that I don’t get in trouble for running it down when he wants to use it next, but I still don’t feel tired so I let Calum go before looking for something else to do.

“Ashton, you were dead on your feet not 10 minutes ago, come to bed will you” Michael mumbles from where he is flat out on the bed while the other two are curled up together next to him.

I shake my head before decide that there is nothing to do in here, I give Michael a look of mischief before making a run for it out of the door and laughing when I hear him swear and jump up to catch me. I run the opposite way and head down the stairwell before I find a games room area somewhere in the hotel. I hide in here for a while, muffling my breathing when I hear somebody pass the doorway but so far he hasn’t found me.

I remember my phone is in my pocket so I quickly turn down the volume, just in time as well as it starts to ring silently in my hand. I look round the corner of the machine I am hiding behind, towards the door, before deciding to answer.

As soon as I pick up I can hear Luke speaking.

“Ashton, stop hiding buddy. It’s not a game anymore, Michael can’t find you, and you won the game, now come back so we can all go to sleep.”

I pull the phone away before checking the time, my eyes widening when I see that it’s been almost an hour. I put it back to my ear.

“Lukey, I don’t know where I am...” I murmur quietly, looking around in confusion.

“But you’re still in the hotel right?” he asks quietly as I hear him moving.

“I think so... Lukey, it's dark in here, I don’t like it.”

He swears before directing something else at me. “Ashton, you have to come out into an obvious position so I can at least see you if I get there.”

As I move out from where I had curled up, I listen as he mumbles away to himself; at least I think it’s to himself, but only really catch snippets of what he says as I watch my surroundings.

“Michael should have seen this earlier ... Could have kept him under control if we had known.”

I finally find somewhere that is open and light, I still have never seen this part of the hotel before but at least it isn’t dark anymore. I move to peer round a corner when I hear movement, running out when I see it's Luke. I run towards him and crash into his chest as I hug him tight.

“No more hiding.” I mumble the promise into his chest as he holds me tight to him and takes my phone out of my hand, ending the call and putting it in his own pocket.

“That’s right, no more hiding.” He says before mumbling quietly to himself. “Hopefully, you will be back to yourself tomorrow.”

I follow him with no complaints as we go back to my room, gladly getting on the bed with the other two and instantly feeling safer. I repeat what I said to Luke to them and they agree with me too, slowly the day catches up to me and I’m asleep before Luke even makes it to bed.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning I am woken by the knocking on the door of our tour manager, coming round to make sure we’re awake so we have enough time to be ready to leave. I grumble but get up and dress quickly while the boys are still lazing around on the bed instead of getting ready.

I put my clothes in my suitcase and make sure to put my charger in my backpack with another two changes of clothes to last the ride on the bus just in case it takes longer than expected since we won’t have our cases in the main part with us. Once I am sure I have everything, I pack quickly for the others, even getting them clothes to put on.

“Get dressed you lazy fuckers.” I say loudly as I throw each of their outfits at the intended wearer.

Calum just gets up and changes with no complaints, Luke takes slightly longer but eventually changes while Michael complains the whole time about it being too early and he is too tired for this.

I grab my bag, rolling my eyes at Michaels complaining, before leaving the room, having already allocated Calum to lock the door behind us since he said he was going to wait for Michael to be ready. Luke and I reach the lobby and a few guards take our bags quickly while a few others get us to the bus safely, god knows why we’re leaving through the front door today but whatever.

I drop my backpack off in my bunk before dropping down into a seat in the back room, Luke doing the same. We wait for the other two who apparently have the same idea before I can feel the bus rumble to life under us and slowly start to inch forward.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calum is curled up against my side, leaning against me instead of the arm of the sofa which is right next to him while I’m in the middle seat, while the other two are playing a game on the console, happier now that they can play again since we aren’t able to take it off the bus – we learnt that the hard way on our first tour when Michael took the console we had off of the bus and forgot it in one of the venues, put it this way, we weren’t happy with him, and our tour manager refused to buy a new one because it was our fault that we lost the old one. Now it’s a rule that this one is not allowed to leave the bus at all.

“See, no one gets treated differently when they’re in the right mind.” Calum mumbles, making me look down at him as I listen to what he has to say.

“Doesn’t stop their annoying need to touch though.” I reply, getting a laugh out of him.

“True, it can get annoying after a while.” He agrees.

“If it’s so annoying then why do you still let me do it so much?” Luke directs at Calum while his eyes remain on the game.

“Because if I didn’t then you would get all sulky.” Calum shoots back, nudging Luke with his foot before resting back against me again.

Luke huffs but refuses to play along which makes Calum frown before he turns his attention back to me. He suddenly gets this weird look in his eyes as he sits up and kneels beside me. I give him a confused look but wait to see what he is doing when he kisses my jaw gently and nuzzles my neck softly.

After a certain rhythm starts up is when it becomes obvious what he aiming to do. Just when I think he is going to do it, he whispers something in my ear quickly.

“Play along; I want to see what they will do when they notice.”

I hide a smirk as I catch on, going down when he pushes me down to lie on my back on the seat and helping to rearrange ourselves so that we can comfortably be like this as he uses his arms to keep his full weight off of me but keep us close just to make it look more realistic to the other two.

He nudges my head so that I would have to turn it towards the back of the seat, I go with it and feel his breath on my neck but he doesn’t make any move to bite down. I feel soft presses on my neck but that is it and I try not to react when I hear one of the other two choke on their drink. I move my hand and fist it in Calum shirt by his ribs and he seems to get what I am doing as he moves closer and again ghosts his breath on my neck which makes me shiver at how strangely good that felt.

“Luke...” Michael mumbles, dragging out the name slightly.

“What do y-“Luke cuts himself off, apparently having turned around.

Calum moves from my neck and instead uses one of his hands placed on the back of my neck to drag me up and press our mouths together. Just a simple press of lips, nothing major. All of us have kissed each other at one point or another, most of the time drunk so this is my first sober time doing it, and somehow now that I’ve accepted that I already broke the rule, it doesn’t feel that bad, so I don’t really see it as that big of a deal.

He pulls back slowly, sending me a soft smile before his head shoots towards the other two as if only just noticing that the game is no longer being played. He shrugs before turning back to me, moving back and bringing me up with him until we are back to our original positions.

Michael looks between me and Cal before his eyes travel down to where Calum would theoretically have bitten, Luke, however, doesn’t look that bothered by what he just saw, he just rolls his eyes at Calum before getting up to throw his empty drink can away.

Michael drops his controller on the cushion next to him before moving across the floor on his knees until he is kneeling in front of me, looking up at me with a curious look. Calum laughs as he unwraps his arm from me and turns to sit back against the arm rest and presumably see how this turns out.

Michael looks conflicted on what to do now that he is in front of me and I can’t help but smile as I lean forward, brushing my lips across his cheek softly before moving back until we are face to face. The look is his eyes seems to change pretty quickly and for a second I am scared that he might end up doing something bad but instead he leans up, bracing his hand either side of me on the couch cushion, and presses several gentle kisses along my jaw line, never going too close to my neck.

My eyes move to Luke when he enters but Luke just nods to me in a greeting way before dropping down where he had been sitting but I notice that he also watches Michael carefully, but more for a precaution than anything else.

“I’m sorry about last time.” Michael mumbles, meeting my eyes. “I didn’t mean to make you panic, I thought you would recognise the action somehow.”

I hum in response watching him carefully before putting caution to the wind, leaning towards him and seeing if he will close the gap which he does. He isn’t as rough as I thought he would be, pulling back quicker than I expected as well but I don’t mind.  He smiles, turning around and leaning back against the chair between my legs as he tunes into the conversation that the other two have started up. I absentmindedly play with his hair as I think. Somehow, I think what happened has made him believe that I don’t fully trust him which is actually not true. I do trust him but I just have a tendency to panic quickly when I don’t know what is going on. I feel safe with the boys and I do trust them, which makes me feel bad about my reaction because now it means Michael may not believe that I do trust him. I sigh before starting to listen; I’ll bring it up with him another time.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

We park up at a rest stop around 1 o’clock, the driver having been driving all the way up until now with no breaks and we’re not in a hurry so we somehow convinced him to rest. The rest of the crew have been taking regular stops during the time that we’ve been travelling so far so they are behind us a bit anyway so it gives them time to catch up if we stay in one place, though we phone the head of all of that to make sure that they know where we are.

Luke and Calum went out for a walk because they have been driving us insane for the past hour with their restlessness and constant need to do something so Mikey and I basically kicked them out until they have fulfilled their required exercise that they seem to so desperately need. I have pulled all the cushions off of the couches and put them on the floor in the backroom and am currently using them as a temporary bed as I watch a movie on the TV. I send Michael a smile when he comes back into the room but quickly move my attention back to the movie. It’s one of my favourites and no matter how many times I’ve watched it already, I still enjoy the film.

He settles down next to me but scoffs when he sees what is playing on the screen, turning onto his side and starting to poke me to get my attention. Eventually, I get tired of batting him away and give in, turning my attention away from the film and instead focusing on him.

“What?” I ask once he realises that I am in fact looking at him now.

“I just wanted your attention. I’m bored.”

I roll my eyes at the whole statement. “You can’t be bored, you’ve been playing that bloody video games for hours.”

He pouts when I point this out, turning onto his back again and crossing his arms over his chest in protest.

“Fine, what do you want me to do about it? You’re a grown up now Mikey, you have to entertain yourself.” I reply when he fails to reply.

He shrugs, giving me the worst faux innocent look I have ever seen, before opening his arms in an attempt to get a cuddle, as if that is all he is planning. I sigh as if it’s such a long task and move over, not even fighting him when he moves quickly and straddles me.

“I caught you.” He smiles proudly.

I roll my eyes fondly before leaning up and pulling him down with the other hand that isn’t helping to keep me at this elevation. He hums as he kisses back, slowly lowering us until I am back to lying properly on my back and he is able to get a better angle that benefits both of us. I groan softly when he nips my bottom lip before soothing it with his tongue; opening my mouth in invitation to him since he seems to want control anyway.

He groans when I do this though, obviously liking the fact that I am letting him control it all and basically submitting to him. As he explores my mouth and drives me crazy with his mannerisms, which are biting my lip and asserting his dominance through the kiss. I also notice how he unconsciously rolls his hips into mine every so often in a random pattern which makes me think he is holding back as much as he can so that he doesn’t overwhelm me.  We continue kissing and exploring – when he lets me at least – for a while, only really drawing to an end when we hear the boys making a racket on the way back, obviously rambunctious and full of energy now that they have been allowed to let loose, but still better than they were when they left, by the sounds of it at least. When we separate, Michael has to rush off to the bathroom to sort himself out before the other two get back, I deal better with hiding my problem from the boys after so much experience doing it over the time I’ve known the boys and sleepovers we used to have when the band first started, so I stay where I am, putting a new film on and getting immersed in that pretty quickly. Michael doesn’t make it back before the boys get on the bus so he gets teased when he gets back, but he just shrugs it off.  Just as we all settle down, the bus rumbles to life again, the driver obviously feeling better now after some rest at least.

I move to sit on the sofa eventually but get bored after a while, the film started out good but it’s pretty long winded now and I can’t leave without disturbing the other boys so I look around for something nearby that I can do. I tip my head back to land on the back of the couch when I find nothing, jumping when I feel a finger trace my neck as it is stretched but I roll my eyes when I see that it’s only Mikey with his new obsession as his eyes are locked on my neck now.

I take my phone out and shoot him a text before ignoring him after that, biting my lip to hide my laughter when he chokes on air. It’s only meant as a joke but I have a feeling that he might just make me follow through on that one at some point.

( **Ash – _If you think it looks good like this, then you should see what it looks like in other, more intimate situations..._** )

Luke gives him a concerned look then he chokes but doesn’t ask which is probably for the best whenever it concerns Michael. Michael glares at me but I ignore him and suddenly find twitter so much more interesting, smirking at him over my phone when he huffs and starts to fidget around again, obviously that imagery was a little too much for him to handle.

We all cheer half-heartedly when we pull up at yet another hotel, we’re ahead of time again but we all had spare clothes in case we had to stay on the bus overnight. It's 3am and the hotel is luckily alright with us arriving earlier than planned so we are given our room keys straight away. We chose to share again just for a bit of a throwback but it's more so that we can all fit comfortably into one room if there are two double beds instead of overheating each other in the one bed like in the last hotel, but let’s not tell management that because they think we’re grown out of that habit by now.

Calum and I are sharing since we’re the two early birds of the band, usually waking up earlier to work out either together or separately. Luke and Michael sometimes work out with us but most of the time they aren’t even close to waking up by the time that we get up. Calum also said that this arrangement meant that Luke could teach Michael some more stuff since Michael is pretty interested in what it is that Luke does. However, they are both in here with us anyway, which leaves me thinking “so much for that one then”.

“I thought you were going away to learn for a while, not harassing us still.” I grumble as Michael sits bouncing on the end of my bed.

“He can’t focus right now; he has too much energy so I said we’ll do it tomorrow.” Luke replies.

I groan into the pillow but go quiet when Michael jumps onto my back in retaliation, lying on top of me with his crossed arms, that he is using as a pillow, balanced on my shoulder blades. When he starts complaining about how bony I am laying like this, that’s when I realise that I haven’t actually had anything to eat since yesterday morning, I can’t help but wonder how I didn’t notice until now.

“Michael, can you get off me please?” I get out through gritted teeth. He rolls off anyway so I sit up and look around. “Any of you happen to have any food on you?” I ask tentatively.

“We can order something but it’s still pretty early, when was the last time you ate anyway? I haven’t actually seen you eat today...” Calum says in response.

I scratch the back of my neck nervously. “When you took me with you to get something at the last hotel.” I mumble, wincing when Luke chokes on his water.

“You’re joking, right? Tell me you’re joking because that was ages ago.”

“That was yesterday, well the day before now, but still” I reply, slightly more defensive than planned.

Michael goes to his bag and pulls out some snacks that Luke had brought back to the bus, throwing them to me. “I don’t need them as much as you will. We’re definitely making you get something when we order breakfast though.”

I send him a smile in thanks and eat a few bits for now, just to tide me over until breakfast, as the boy's chatter around me. None of us are that tired right now so we’re kind of lucky that tomorrow is a scheduled day off so that we can settle down and get used to time zones if we so happen to cross into another one, so we don’t have a schedule to get up for in the morning.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning I am awoken by Luke and Calum bouncing on my bed to let me know that the breakfast they ordered for all of us is on its way, they also felt the need to let me know that Michael is in the shower right now which I don’t really care about in my half asleep state but whatever. I groan, still a bit tired considering we’ve only really been asleep for around 5 hours according to the clock on the side, but get up anyway and pull on some clothes for the day as I remind myself to shower tonight since I can’t be bothered to do it right now.

I join Luke, sitting on the edge of Calum’s bed, putting my head on his shoulder and sighing happily when he rests his cheek against the top of my head. Calum is somehow still getting dressed because he hasn’t shut up the whole time I’ve been awake, even if I have no idea what he has even been saying this whole time.

Luke moves his head to the side to speak to Calum again, who is still trying to pull a pair of jeans on and having quite a fight since I doubt that they are his to begin with. I look up when Michael comes back into the room in just a towel but look away, blushing, when the fact that he is only in a towel catches up with me.

I hear him chuckle before he pulls on some clothes quickly. Once he is more presentable, even if he only put on some underwear and sweatpants and still shirtless, he decides to jump onto me, knocking me backwards so that I am flat on my back on the bed.

I hear a knock on the door before Luke gets up to go answer it and get our food, Calum finally sits down after having won his battle with the denim monsters he was fighting with. I wrap my arms around Mikey so that he doesn’t start to wriggle around or fall off of where he is balanced on my chest.

“Good Morning to you too Mikey.” I mumble, kissing his forehead in greeting.

He hums happily, kissing my cheek in return before sitting up and basically straddling my stomach since I wasn’t much on the bed to begin with. He paws at my shirt, pouting away to himself, disappointed that I am not following his example and going shirtless but oh well.

I push him over to the side when Luke brings over some food for me. I sit crossed legged on the bed, eating as I listen to the boys deciding what we should do today. They are talking about group stuff but I don’t really want to go sightseeing with them, I also hate to be the downer of the group so I just keep quiet instead.

Fortunately for me, Luke got a call from our tour manager that asked us not to leave the hotel today because the fans have started to catch on to our location overnight and have started to amass outside the doors and we don’t have enough of the security guards with us to get us through that yet since some were travelling with and helping the crew so they are a little behind us.

I change into a tank top and some light shorts before shoving a towel, water bottle and my IPod in a bag while the boys reconsider possible plans.

“Please tell me you’re not going to go workout. You disappeared last time we left you alone. Anyway, it’s a day off, relax will ya.” Michael whines.

“Shut up you lazy ass, just because you find it tiring to even watch any of us even walk around, it doesn’t mean the rest of us shouldn’t care about our fitness and our health.” I retort.

He sticks his tongue out at me but leaves me alone after that as I leave the room and head to the gym. I get in an hour of working out before Calum joins me. I laugh when I find out that he only came here to escape from the boredom he was plagued with since the other two have turned to Pokémon hunting to pass the time. I work out for another hour and a half before taking a break.

“I don’t know how you do it. I thought I would be able to keep up with you easy but you do the workout from hell.” Calum pants.

I chuckle, sipping slowly from my water bottle and nibbling on an energy bar. “I’m not even finished so I’d give up while you’re ahead. Go back to the room if you want, but I am going to finish my routine before I even think about going back.”

Calum flops back on the mat, groaning tiredly. “I would rather watch you work out than listen to the other two argue about who caught the best Pokémon recently.”

I laugh, throwing the empty wrapper of my energy bar into a bin nearby before heading over to the weight area and starting the next phase of my workout. Another hour passes before I am done and grabbing my bag to leave.

“How does one person work out for three and a half hours straight? It shouldn’t be humanly possible.” Calum mutters as we walk along the corridor on the way to our room.

I laugh, opening the door and letting him walk in first. The other two are no longer here and when I listen carefully, I hear movement in the next room.

“Mikey’s finally able to focus then.” I direct my words to Calum as we both change. He’s in the bathroom so I’m not worried about him seeing the bandage.

“Yeah, Luke texted me half an hour ago to tell me that he was going to be working with Michael so I would know where to find him if either of us needed them at some point.” Calum replies as the door opens.

I am switching channels on the TV as he enters the room again, not really looking for anything in particular, just looking for the hell of it to pass some time. “What is Luke even teaching him? It didn’t seem all that complicated when he was dealing with me.” I ask, muting the TV and turning my head towards Calum.

Calum hums, sitting on the edge of his bed. “It doesn’t look complicated but there is a lot of stuff behind it all. Luke explained it to me once but I admit that I wasn’t paying much attention. From what I remember, part of being able to help someone like us is to be able to know what you’re looking for when someone is in the process of dropping or has fully dropped. Also, not all of us respond to actions the same way, so they have to know different ways and actions that can be used that do not hurt us but allow them to control the situation and bring us back.”

“I thought you said that it was our choice, that we could do it whenever we wanted?” I ask, moving back on the bed to sit crossed-legged, facing him and giving him all my attention.

“We do have control over our drops but only to a certain extent. We have control when we are calm or feeling minor amounts of emotion, but if we get worked up or overwhelmed with an emotion then it can trigger us to need them around to ground us again.” Calum responds, seeming to like that I want to learn from him. “We can drop whenever we want to but it is preferred by health professional and by those like Michael and Luke – the ones who are taught to help – that we are with one of them when we chose to do so because when we are under, we cannot always respond to dangers or situations in the same way and it can be harmful to us if we stay under for too long. They can bring us round after a set amount of time that is deemed safe but trying to force someone to come back too quickly actually harms them hence why Michael is learning again.”

I take in the information but the end part still confuses me, Calum told me before that Michael has some experience but only with full drops so why does Michael have to learn all that stuff again.

“Michael is attached to you so when you may drop, he is likely to panic or do something wrong. In their positions, they have to set aside attachments and stay as calm as possible so it doesn’t affect us.” Calum speaks again when I stay silent.

I think it over before nodding. I kind of guessed that Michael felt something for me based on what we did when the boys left the bus the other day, so I guess that’s why Luke wants to remind him of certain things if what I am being told is true.

“Fine. I still can’t believe that a few weeks ago, I didn’t have to deal with any of this.” I murmur as I lean over to get the hotel phone.

Calum chuckles. “Yeah, but let’s be honest, a few weeks ago you were beating yourself up about something that isn’t that much of a big deal in today’s world.”

I shoot him a look but just continue to order the lunch Calum asked me to get while we were still in the gym – I told him to wait until we got back to the room so here I am following through with my unspoken promise. When I get off of the phone, I make Calum tell the other two that they have to order their own lunch, which they weren’t happy about but agreed to do so anyway.

After the two of us have finished our lunch, I film a Keek of Calum dancing to a tune from the music channel on TV and upload it, sharing it on both of our social medias, before deciding to take a nap since I am honestly exhausted. Calum lets me know that it’s fine as he opens Netflix on his laptop and loads a film he has wanted to watch for a while now; even going as far as putting his headphone is so that it doesn’t keep me awake.

I curl up on my bed, on top of the covers since its warm in here, with my back to the door and Calum before drifting off into a light sleep which seems to give way to a full-on nap soon after.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first thing I realise as I wake up is that Luke and Michael are back since I can hear them both in the room with us. The other thing I realise is that Michael is on the bed right behind me since he sounds close and there is added weight on the bed that wasn’t there when I fell asleep.

“Everything alright while we were doing our thing?” I hear Luke ask, which lets me know that they haven’t been back long.

“Yeah, we worked out together for a bit but I gave up after a while. I’m telling you Luke, our drummer isn’t human, it shouldn’t be possible to work out for three and a half hours straight with only one break.” Calum whines, still not over the fact that he couldn’t do it. “Other than that, we talked for a bit, had lunch and then I watched the film while he went to sleep. He was exhausted since it was a late night and he did all that work out stuff.”

“What did you two talk about? Telling secrets that you don’t want us to know about, huh?” Michael teases him.

“Actually, we talked about you two and why you were doing all of that with Luke. Then we talked about drops and how we are able to control them to a certain extent and your role in the whole thing. I may have mentioned the danger of bringing someone back round too fast. I worded it wrong so it made Michael sound like he has done that before but I think Ashton gets that you’re just taking precautions to make sure you don’t hurt someone.” Calum responds, not taking the bait. “I think he understands that you have an attachment to him as well.”

Michael hums, shifting around. “Do you think he trusts me anymore? I mean, I did scare him last time.”

“That’s not something either of us can tell you, Michael. You’re meant to be able to tell if he trusts you, it's part of our duties to know stuff like that.” Luke responds to him this time.

Michael huffs, kicking out childishly and kicking me in the back of the legs in the process. I groan, shifting my body away from him, that actually hurt meaning he still has his shoes on.

“Shit, sorry Ash.” Michael says quickly.

I grumble, swinging my legs over the edge and sitting there for a minute with my head in my hands as I try to wake myself up a little. I sit up a little after a few seconds, scrubbing at my eyes and running my hands through my hair.

“It's fine, I needed to get up at some point anyway.” I finally speak, my voice still deep from sleep.

I hear him kick off his shoes before I feel his body heat appear behind me. He kneels behind me, pulling me back to rest against him. I go easily, resting my head back against his shoulder and humming when he presses a kiss to the part of my jaw closest to my neck.

“You alright?” He asks softly.

“I am fully aware of what you’re doing if that’s what you’re implying.” I reply, sitting up again and moving off of the bed.

I spot the clock and am surprised to see that I have been asleep for four hours already, it’s nearly 5 o’clock now and I decide to have my shower now so I can just climb into bed tonight. I grab a fresh set of clothes and let them know that I’m going to shower so if they need the toilet then they have to go to the other room.

Once I enter the bathroom, I lock the door and set about stripping and getting into the shower. I scrub myself clean, instantly feeling better now that I am not covered in dried sweat from my workout earlier. Once I am sure I have cleaned every available piece of skin, I check the cuts from the other day. They are healing fine; they should be alright to go without a bandage as long as I take it easy. I throw away the used gauze making sure it is well hidden in the bin, before hiding the bandage that is still clean in my old clothes. I pull on my boxers and shorts, checking one last time on the cuts before pulling on the clean shirt.

I clean up the bathroom quickly before opening the door and leaving the room, dumping my old clothes in my suitcase for now. I use the towel I still have in my hand to dry my hair as I see what the boys are up to. Calum and Michael are watching a film on Calum’s laptop while Luke is nowhere in sight.

“He needed a piss and you were taking too long.” Michael comments without looking up.

I huff in silent laughter before taking the towel back to the bathroom, throwing it in the laundry hamper in the corner. Going back into the room, I check the time again.

“Someone else is ordering dinner for us because it’s not going to be me.” I state just as Luke enters the room again. He rolls his eyes but heads towards the phone to order us food since neither of the other two seemed to be bothering. I drop down on the end of my bed, catching Luke’s wrist as he passes me after ending the call, and pulling him onto the bed with me.

He giggles but wraps his arms around me. “Why, hello there Ashton.” He mumbles against my hair but I can tell he is smiling so I just squeeze his waist with the arm that I have wrapped around it.

He easily moves us up the bed so we’re not on the edge anymore before letting me rest my head against his chest, not even caring that his shirt is getting damp from my hair. He rests his head so that his mouth is resting on my forehead and his arm is wrapped around my shoulder.

“I swear showers make you cuddly. “He murmurs quietly, giggling when I bat at him but there is no heat behind it at all.

Eventually, I let him up when there is a knock on the door and our dinner arrives. I eat quickly before dropping back onto my bed, laying on my back with my feet over the edge and using my crossed arms as a pillow. I trace the patterns on the ceiling with my eyes before catching Michael when he jumps on me again.

“I swear you like jumping on people. You’re going to land somewhere it hurts one day, what will you do then?” I smile as he lays his hands flat on my chest.

“I will be very sorry but I will have their attention so it doesn’t matter.” He replies, not even caring that he doesn’t make all that much sense.

I roll my eyes but make no move to comment on this. I turn my head and laugh when I see that Calum is being flattened as well. He is stuck on his front as Luke nuzzles at the back of his neck.

“Laugh it up Irwin; you have your own problem to deal with. They will do this every two days so you have to be prepared.”

I giggle and how disgruntled he sounds, and can’t help bursting out into laughter when he tries to wriggle away and is pinned down fully straight away by Luke.

“I am starting to think that Luke has an obsession with your neck because every time I have seen him that close to you he always has his head buried in your neck.” I joke, getting a growl from Calum but there is no real heat behind that either so I’m not worried.

I turn my face back to Michael and give him a curious look when I see him smiling down at me.

“You look happier already and I like hearing you laugh, it means that we did something right.”

I roll my eyes at his explanation, getting him to rise up on his knees so that I can move properly onto the bed. Once I am comfortable, Michael is back. He uses his arms either side of me to hold himself up as he nuzzles at my cheek. He grumbles when I turn my head but goes quiet when I press my lips to his.

When I pull back, he goes back to his nuzzling like I never interrupted him at all.  I see Luke and Calum curled up on Calum’s bed now, but Michael has his own plans so I am stuck until he decides he has had enough. I also notice that Michael doesn’t go anywhere near my neck and it reminds me that he doesn’t think I trust him. As he is nuzzling along one side of my jaw, I tip my head slightly to the side to give him more room and nervously offer my neck to him.

I feel him freeze instantly, moving back so quickly that I’m scared he will fall off of the bed. He watches me for second, eyes wide and searching for something, before shaking his head. “No Ashton, don’t do that just because you think you have to. You don’t get it.”

I sit up, moving back against the headboard and as far from him as I can go while staying on the bed. I thought he would be happy so why is he backing away when that’s what he wanted me to do before? I drop my head, not wanting to meet his eyes and see the disappointment in them – I know it’s there even if he won’t admit it. I hear quick movement before Calum is wrapping himself around me as Luke puts himself between Michael and me as well.

“If what Calum said is true then he already knows what it means. He thought you would be happy because he is trying to show that he still trusts you.” Luke speaks, quietly but assertive enough that Michael has no other option but to listen.

Calum mumbles assurances but I can’t focus on him, my attention still on Michael and his actions. I thought I was doing good, actually understanding everything but now I feel like he is throwing the trust I just showed him back in my face.

I push Calum off of me a bit so that I can wrap my arms around him, choosing to ignore the other two in the hopes that the previous few minutes can be forgotten and I can just escape my reality by going to sleep. Calum sighs but tightens his grip on me and hums under his breath. The other two move to Calum’s bed and soon the rest of the room and Calum’s humming falls silent as they all drift off to sleep.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

I turn my head carefully and read the time on the clock, seeing that I pretended to go to sleep nearly four hours ago. I listen for any signs of the other boys being awake before moving off of the bed, pulling on my trainers once I am successfully off of the bed and heading out of the door as quietly as I can after grabbing my wallet and phone. I squint against the light in the corridor, letting my eyes adjust before heading down the corridor and towards the elevator. Once it reaches the lobby, I step out and make my way towards the front door. I nod in acknowledgment to the receptionist and slide through the door, breathing out a sigh of relief when I see that the fans have been kept back from the door and it’s too dark to see who walks out of the door from the distance they are away from me.

I walk to a small shop that is on the corner of the street, buying a few things and paying the guy behind the till who looks ready to fall asleep any second. Once I leave the shop, I head towards a park that we passed on the way in. When I reach it, I head to the swing set and drop down on the seat, letting it swing gently for a second before using my feet to still it.

I open one of the cans I bought from the shop, downing half of it easily. It’s a cheap brand of beer, not all that strong so the chances of getting drunk are pretty slim and I only have this can and two others in the bag, the rest is just small tidbits I am running low on, such as toothpaste and a few snacks.

Once I finish the can, I make sure it is completely empty before throwing it back in the bag. There may be nobody around but this is a children’s play area here and no kid deserves to get hurt on a can.

I pull my phone out, checking the time and rolling my eyes when I see the amount of notifications I have. I decide that I have nothing better to do and unlock the screen, opening the drop-down menu and clicking on one of the twitter notifications.

It just so happens to be an article about what we have been up to and stuff like that. It was put up minutes ago actually. Curiously, I scroll to the roll of pictures attached to the article that shows some of the stuff we have been up to. The last one is of me drinking the can of beer a few minutes ago. The paparazzi are fast and somehow I can’t even be mad that I can’t go anywhere right now without someone finding me.

I go back to the tweet the link was attached to and scroll through the endless comments. I snort under my breath when I see how many fans are defending my honour and commenting that the last picture is photoshopped. I open the new tweet option and type out a message.

 **_Ashton5SOS – _ ** _Sometimes it’s easier to escape reality and pretend it doesn’t hurt because you’ll never understand and I’ll never tell you..._

I post it before opening another can and downing it quickly, once again putting the empty can in the bag. I look down at my phone on the swing next at my phone when I hear it vibrate over and over to indicate that someone is calling me. I sigh, picking the phone up and checking the caller ID. When I see that it is Luke, I press decline.

I know he didn’t do anything exactly but I just want a little longer without reminders of what a fuck up I am. Luke rings a couple more times, each time I let it ring for a moment before declining the call. Eventually, I switch off my phone and finish the last of the liquid in the can. I pick up my bag, sneaking back into the lobby and giving my bag to the receptionist after asking if she will look after it for me. She happily agrees to look after it until I get back.

I head back out of the doors and find a club nearby, quickly being let in, and head straight up to the bar. I order a soda, I can’t drink anymore or I will tip the balance into hangover territory. I know that I will be recognised eventually so I am enjoying the moment of peace while it lasts.

“I can’t say that I’ve seen you around here before.”  A low voice mumbles right into my ear as hands make their way around my waist.

“You’re right; I’m not from around here.” I reply, turning my head to the side a little so that I can see who I am talking too.

The guy behind me is around Luke's height with jet black hair and vibrant green eye. He has scruff and is relatively muscular but he seems to have a gentle persona.

“Oh, you’re an Aussie?” He smiles, moving onto the stool next to me but staying close so that we can hear each other over the music. “Let me guess, you’re one of the boys from the band that came into town this morning?”

I smirk. “Something like that. What the fans would do to have a moment like this.”

He smiles. “What can I say, I’m a lucky boy. You boys have been advertised everywhere, I’m surprised you got this far without getting into a spot of trouble.”

I down my drink, waving off the bartender when he offers to get me another one. I turn back to the guy, giving the hand he has on my thigh a glance before speaking. “I make enough trouble of my own; I don’t need help in that department.”

He smirks, moving closer to murmur in my ear. “Maybe not, but I can help you with other stuff.” As he talks, his hand moves up closer to my groin.

 I hum, pretending to consider it before shaking my head. “That’s alright; I can get that one covered anytime.”

I smirk as I pull back, watching as he slides off of his stool and moves with me so that we remain literally centimetres from each other. Just when I think he is going to try again, I feel a hand wrap around the back of my neck and I instantly recognised the touch. I send the other guy a cheeky smile, waving to him before swivelling around to face the owner of the hand.

Michael leans his face down, nuzzling at my head before moving back to meet eyes with the guy from earlier. I peek over my shoulder and see the colour drain from the other guys face.

“I’ll leave you to it. It seems your band mate has found you, safe and sound.” He says in a rush before scampering off back into the crowd of club goers.

I huff in silent laughter before getting up and following Michael as we head out of the doors, seeing the other two not far from the door but waiting in the shadows so they don’t get recognised.

“Lads.” I greet them cheerfully, wrapping my arms around Calum when I reach him and nuzzling his neck which makes him giggle.

“Come on you, let’s go back to the hotel and get some sleep.” He laughs, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and leading us back even though I know the way back. He listens to me as we walk along and I babble about whatever is in my mind at the moment. I’m not drunk but I feel like I have so much energy and I am doing everything I can while it lasts, I have no doubt that I will crash soon and be basically asleep on my feet.

When we get back to the hotel room, I wrap my arms around Michael and pull him back with me so that he lands on my chest when I drop down on the bed. He sighs but goes along with it as the other two settle back on Calum’s bed. For a few minutes, it’s quiet as I just take in his scent, enjoying these moments while he is still close.

I press my face against his neck, pressing kisses to the skin near my mouth and nuzzling at his neck happily when he lets out a deep breath and lets his head rest at an angle against my shoulder so that there is more room. I’m slightly disappointed that he does this but freaks out when I tried it earlier but make no move to pull back and say this, just kissing gently at different places until I feel his breath hitch. When I do, I zero in on that spot, sucking gently and nibbling on it until I know there will be a decent bruise there.

“Just because you can get away with this does not mean that you’re out of trouble.” Michael mumbles, after taking a second to calm his breathing down but I already know that he is affected since I can feel him against my thigh.

“Hmm, we’ll see.” I reply, content to just nuzzle into his neck and stay there, finding amusement in the fact that he shivers every so often when I breathe out against his neck.

He nips my jaw in retaliation before settling down and I drift off to sleep, finally, before he does so I don’t know how much longer he is awake for.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

I squirm, waking up slowly, as I feel soft presses against my shoulder, jaw and lips. I go to move my hand but find that whenever I move, I quickly get pinned down. I open my eyes after a while of just trying to work it out, seeing Michael straddling my hips and pressing kisses to different areas.

“What are you doing?” I ask, my voice raspy from sleep.

He doesn’t answer but his eyes flicker up to meet mine. He sits up before running the tips of his fingers on his free hand across the skin just above the waistband of my shorts. Only then do I notice that I am shirtless, the cuts from the other day healing pretty well but still very much visible.

His eyes flicker down to them as one of his fingers draws circles around each scar visible. “Were you ever going to tell us or were you hoping we would never find out?”

I go to move my hand down to catch his hand but he just tightens the hold he has on both of my wrists with his one hand. I take a deep breath, trying to find any possible escapes, but he knows me too well as he easily pins my hips when I try to buck up to throw him off.

I deflate, dropping my head back before whispering. “I wasn’t going to tell you, I wanted them to heal and for you lot to be none the wiser that they were ever there.”

He hums, before laying his hand flat on my stomach. “At least you’re being honest now.” He mumbles.

He lets go of my hands but I make no attempt to push him off, instead placing them on his thighs and turning my head to look for the other two. He leans down, kissing my collarbone and nipping my jaw again before speaking.

“They left me to talk to you about this. They’re next door if it makes you feel any better.”

I nod, drawing circles on the skin of his thigh with the fingers on my right hand as I let my mind drift for a little while. Michael hums, moving to lie against my side, leaning his head on his hand but his eyes watch me calmly.

I tip my head back a little and to the side and he smiles, understanding what I am asking for, leaning down and connecting our lips in multiple closed mouth kisses, not letting it get too heated since it’s not exactly the right time for stuff like that.

“What are you thinking about?” He asks quietly, resting his forehead against mine.

“I was wondering what we are and thinking about how I thought you were going to react to the scars and how differently you actually reacted.” I mumble, distracted as I look him directly in the eye, seeing the different flecks of green and how well they go together to make a colour unique to Michael.

He smiles, biting his lip to try to hold it back a little. “That's a lot of questions and thoughts there. Do you have any answers yet?”

I sigh, looking away and instead focusing on the connecting door. “I thought I did but I’m not so sure right now.”

He hums, brushing a kiss against my temple before getting up. “You’ll get there, you always do after all.”

I give him a confused look but he isn’t looking my way anymore as he pulls on some sweatpants that he pulled out of Calum's bag. I lie back, watching my own hand as I run my fingertips softly over the healing scars, hissing when I press too hard on a certain spot and I notice that Michael looks round from where he has sat on the edge of the bed to pull on his socks.

I wave off his concern and get off of the bed, finding a new shirt and some sweatpants which I pull on before kneeling back on the mattress and observing Michael as he goes about getting dressed. I run my fingers down his bare back, watching the muscles contract and relax under my touch, in reaction to me.

“I wish things were easier, perhaps then I would understand what my life was turning out to be.” I whisper before getting up and finding the phone to call in a breakfast order for everyone. I hear him sigh before footsteps head towards the connecting door and he calls the others in and informs them that I am order breakfast for everyone so they might as well come into this room.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We go to the venue early since I can’t sit still or focus on much of anything and Luke wants to check out a new guitar that came in yesterday, he is hoping to play it tonight at the show so he wants to check it out and see how it handles so to speak. That’s just another way to say that he wants to spend time getting used to it. The other two don’t seem to mind all that much since there is nothing to do in the hotel room right now for them.

Calum and Michael are playing a video game on a console they found in one of the other rooms and brought in here and Luke is just across the room from me, playing around with an acoustic guitar for now since the other one is still being set up for tonight and being re-stringed with his preferred string setup. I play with a pen on the table next to me as I stare at the ceiling, my leg bouncing as I try to contain my restless energy and my mind wandering to the conversation that Calum and I were having yesterday about drops and how we can control them if we wish. Funny thing is, he didn’t tell me how to control it because he knows that I may abuse that ability as well seeing as I can’t even be trusted around sharp objects right now.

I close my eyes, focusing on slowing my breathing and blocking any stray thoughts. I stop playing with the pen as I focus on keeping my breathing slow and ignoring everything around me. Just when I feel like it may be working, I feel a familiar pressure on the back of my neck.

“Don’t even try it.” Luke calmly states without releasing me.

I think about ignoring him but finally give in, opening my eyes to stare at the ceiling. “I don’t know what you want me to do. I can’t stay still; I can’t focus on anything for more than 2 minutes – what use am I to anyone when I’m like this?”

He hums, not providing me any answers, but lets me go and goes back to his guitar but I feel his eyes on me for the next ten minutes, I refuse to move and meet his gaze so I am just stuck being watched.  The game the other two were playing goes quiet before another weight lands on the sofa. When I finally turn my head, I see Michael studying me.

“I know Calum told you but it still isn’t safe to try and put yourself into a drop unless you know how to get in and out of it safely.”

I let out a deep breath before nodding as my leg starts to bounce again, Michael instantly taking notice of the action and seems to be figuring something out.

“What haven’t you told us? You wouldn’t be like this unless you were holding something back – something you want to say but feel like you can’t.” He says the last bit to nobody in particular.

I grit my jaw as the grip on the pen tightens, I know that if I press hard enough then it may snap and injure me but I can’t talk or I may end up blurting out literally anything right now.

Just when it looks like he is going to keep going, he stops and reaches out for me. I am reluctant to go but I know that he will just turn to another method to make me move if I don’t do so now. I shuffle closer, finally letting go of the pen, and don’t fight him when he turns at an angle and pulls me to lie back against his chest and basically sit in between his legs instead of next to him like I had thought he was aiming for.  He rests his chin on my shoulder and watches my hands as I clench and unclench them before I feel him move to look in the direction of the other two – I also see Luke nod and mouth something out of the corner of my eye.

I drop my head back against Michael's shoulder when one of his hands comes up and tips my head back, staying in place and holding me there as he brings his mouth close to my ear to speak quietly into.

“Relax for me, nothing bad is going to happen to you because I’m here; I’ll keep you safe and help you but you have to relax and trust me.”

I take a deep breath before letting myself rest against him properly, letting the tension seep from my muscles as I let go of it all and wait for what he wants next. His next words have an underlying tone that sounds similar to the one Luke used on me that one time and I am instantly listening to every word without even thinking twice. They are also just as quiet as the last lot and it makes me wonder for a second if he is trying to intentionally hide his words from the other two so this is completely between us. There again, it could just be the way that is meant to be.

“Get rid of your thoughts and just focus on me for a bit, everything in your head can be set aside for a little while and nothing is going to go wrong.” I realise that while I have been listening to him, the hand that had been holding my head at the angle it was if now gone and I am just resting my head back against his shoulder. I vaguely feel his hand resting against my stomach just over my cuts as his thumb rubs slow circles against my clothed abdomen. I feel a split second of panic as it dawns on me that everything else is becoming vague but he must know this as he quickly reassures me that it is fine.

It feels like forever as I drift in my own little world, Michael having stopped speaking and just resting with his face against my neck. As I start to feel like everything is coming back to me, I turn my head slightly to rest my cheek against his head. He makes a curious noise, nuzzling my throat in response before sitting himself up better now that he knows that I am responding to the things around me again.

I stay rested back against him for a while, even after I feel fine again, both because it is comfortable and because I don’t really want this to end. I listen to the boys chattering amongst themselves and even register that Calum is pretty quiet which suggests that Luke has done something or the boy is asleep but I’m going to stick with the former of the two possibilities since I hear Luke make a comment here and there that doesn’t fit into his conversation with Michael.

“Are you tired Ash?” Michaels' voice makes me jump even though I’ve been hearing it for quite a while, I guess it was because he hasn’t been addressing me directly until now so I wasn’t expecting it.

“Something like that.” I reply, finally sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

He hums before I feel one of his hands rubbing up and down my back in a soothing motion. “You’ll be hyper soon, no doubt about that - I swear your drums give you an energy boost and soundcheck is soon so you’re going to be fine.”

I huff but get up and walk towards the door.

“Where’re you going?” Michael calls after me.

“I’m going to do soundcheck early so I can get a nap in between the end of soundcheck and when we have to start getting ready for the show.” I reply before walking out of the door.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

My plan worked out and I got a good hour and half of nap time in before Michael shakes me awake to tell me that we have to start getting ready. I take a moment to get my bearings again before sitting up and pulling my shirt over my head as I stand up to find my shirt.

I hear Calum’s shocked gasp and Luke kind of chokes on his water but Michael gives me a once over before smiling and pointing to my bag that I had been searching for.

“Thanks.” I mumble, pulling the shirt I need out of the bag and slipping it on.

Once I have changed everything that is needed and have finished tying the bandana, I stand back and look at my appearance in the mirror quickly. My eyes zero in on a few areas but I try not to let myself think too much into any of them since I already know the comments that will spring to mind if I do.

I chuckle when Michael wraps his arms around my waist, much like last time, and rests his chin on my right shoulder as he gives me a once over. “I don’t see anything wrong; you look good so no thinking anything bad.” He mumbles before pressing kisses to the skin on my shoulder.

I move one of my hands up and run my fingers through his hair. “I wasn’t, I was just looking and trying to remember if I have everything.”

He hums, obviously not believing it completely but letting me get away with it for now. I giggle, turning around in his hold and leaning back against the counter as he moves with me. He braces his hands on the counter and steps closer so that we are as close as before.

“I’m sure you were.” He murmurs, resting his forehead against mine.

I smile cheekily at him, looking away from his eyes and over to Calum who sends me a wink after wiggling his eyebrows in a perverted way. Luke just slaps Calum's arm softly in reprimand and motions to Michael with his head. I bite my lip when I meet his eyes again and notice the hitch in his breath as his eyes follow the movement.

I use one of my hands to tip his head up until we are eye to eye again as I smirk. “My eyes are up here Michael; if you want to talk to me then you have to do it properly.”

He huffs, half in amusement and half in impatience, as he shuffles on the spot and one of his hands draws patterns on my hip distractedly. “What if I don’t want to talk?”

“Well, I’d say you picked the wrong time to start something like this, after all, we have to go on stage soon.” I reply, noticing how his hand that was drawing patterns turns into a solid grip against the bone of my hip with my words.

He drops his head down against my shoulder since I’ve moved back a bit while I was speaking, as he groans quietly. “Why must you be such a stickler for rules?”

“I’m not, I just pick and choose which ones I follow and I chose today to follow this one.” I reply as I run my hand through his hair and tug softly when I want him to move.

He moves his head but still moves in for a kiss even though I’ve already told him that there isn’t much we can do since its getting close to needing to go. I give in to him for a bit but only for a short time, pulling away and avoiding any more advances when I deem it enough.

“No, come on Michael, we have to go soon.” I get out as I avoid another advance, laughing the whole time.

He huffs, pouting like a child before stomping off over to the door. Luke shakes his head at Michael before getting up and moving towards where Michael is now impatiently waiting for everyone to move. Calum giggles before coming over to me and holding onto my hand as we both follow the other two.

“He is so obvious sometimes,” Calum mumbles quietly, directing it at me but keeping quiet so that the other two don’t hear him. He continues when I give him a curious look since I am obviously not thinking along the same lines as him. “You two do stuff like that but he still doesn’t think you trust him fully. He is sorry for freaking out last time though and he is trying to get your forgiveness through affection.”

With that said, we arrive at the backstage area and the crew instantly flurry around us, hooking up wires and getting us ready to go on in literally 3 minutes as I hear the intro video start.

“Let's once again get this show on the road.” I think I sit at my kit and start my part.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other three are next door right now and I could have joined them but I wanted a moment on my own since I haven’t had that much time to myself lately. I lie back against the pillows on my bed, having changed earlier into some shorts for the time being but going without a shirt now that the boys know, using one of my arms as an extra pillow as the other rests lazily against my stomach.

I trace random patterns lightly against my chest and stomach as my mind wanders, not really thinking of anything in particular and just enjoying the quiet, calm atmosphere of the room. I turn my head to the side when I hear the connecting door click open, seeing Calum slink through. Once the door is shut behind him, he comes over and perches on the side of the bed next to me, giving me a curious look.

“Are you alright? You’re so quiet after what I said earlier, I wanted to make sure I hadn’t freaked you out.” He speaks quietly, trying not to break the calm, quiet atmosphere of the room more than necessary.

“I’m fine, just feels good to have a moment to myself, plus it gives me a chance to sort all of the information I’ve been given recently to a level that I can deal with.” I answer him, knowing that he understands more than the other two how my mind works since we work together in the studio a lot.

“As long as I didn’t cause anything bad.” He speaks, fidgeting around and not meeting my eyes properly.

“Maybe you should go and spend some time with Luke since it's obviously affecting you, whatever it is that you’ve convinced yourself you’ve done wrong. I’m fine, just enjoying a moment to myself and that’s nothing that you should feel guilty about.” I reply to him after giving him a once over.

He nods, sending me a thankful look for understanding before bidding me a short goodbye and disappearing back into the other room.

An hour later and I am scrolling through my phone with one hand as the other draws repetitive patterns against the skin of my stomach when the door opens again and this time Michael makes his way into the room. I give him a glance but otherwise ignore him as I continue scrolling and making patterns. A weight presses down on the bed before Michael moves to lie on his front with his side close to mine, using his arms to hold his head up.

“I heard you were having alone time, care to elaborate?” he smirks.

“Not the kind of alone time you would be interested in, just enjoying the quiet of being on my own for a bit.” I mumble, finally turning off my phone and putting it down next to me on the mattress as I turn my head to face him properly.

He hums, leaning over and pressing a kiss to my chest. “As long as you’re feeling better.” Is all he says.

It’s quiet for a short time after as I play with the strings of my shorts and he rests next to me with his eyes closed.

“I know you feel bad for what happened the other day when you freaked out on me. I just wanted you to know that I did understand what was going on then and I was trying to show you that I do trust you... you always seem to doubt that so I wanted to prove to you that I do but I felt like you threw all that trust back in my face in that moment.”

 I mumble, knowing that he will understand, but don’t move my gaze from where my hands are still fiddling with the strings.

“I doubt a lot of things, but your trust is something I have never doubted even if I have asked the other two many times about it. I know you trust me but in that moment I panicked, it was just a single thought that wondered whether you felt like you had to do that and I messed up completely.” He speaks just as quietly, just for me to hear.

I roll onto my side, reaching out and turning his head to face me again before leaning towards him and connecting our lips in a closed mouth kiss. I feel him sigh in contentment as I am the one that initiated it this time, returning the kiss almost straight away. We pull apart so that we can shift around to be more comfortable before he leans back into me and starts up another kiss. I lie back and run one of my hands up his back when he moves with me and shifts closer to lean more over me, opening my mouth and inviting him in.

He groans quietly, going in for it straight away but still being tender about it as our tongues softly and slowly move together. I pointedly ignore my phone when it chimes next to me, moving the hand that had been on Michaels back, down and slightly under the hem, not too sure if he is willing to go this far this soon. He pulls away, kissing along my jaw before skipping over my neck completely as he moves straight to my collar and chest. He presses heated kisses to my collar bones but nothing that will leave a mark since my clothing is too revealing to hide stuff like that – if that’s want I wanted to do. As he reaches my chest, he pulls back to meet my eyes, the question clear in his eyes.

When I nod, he sits up, moving to straddle my hips and brace himself either side of my shoulders as he presses several open mouth kisses to my lips. I groan when my phone goes off again, not letting him pull away when I grab it. He doesn’t seem to mind, moving back to my chest as I raise the phone above my face with one hand and the other tangles itself into his hair.

I hiss, losing my focus on unlocking my phone, when I first feel him bite down and press bruising kisses to my right pec, just above my nipple to be honest, but just tug his hair in reprimand before finally getting my phone open to read the texts.

**(Hemmo) 7:16 – Thanks for sending Calum back earlier, I’m sure he will appreciate it when he is back in his right mindset.**

**(Hemmo) 7:38 – We usually watch a film when Calm comes up from his drop if we’re in a hotel. Would you like to join us? I would ask Mikey but I don’t know where he slinked off to or when he went so I don’t know if I can text him...**

I groan, dropping my phone back onto the bed. Michael, finally satisfied with the substantial love bite he has been making, sits up as he rubs his hands gently up and down the muscles on my stomach and smirks as they ripple under his touch and leave goosebumps in the wake of his hand.

“I’m going to ring his neck.” I mumble when my phone starts to ring quietly, the ringtone distinct to Luke’s number.

Michael chuckles but hands me the phone.

“Yo Ashton, are you alright? You’re not exactly answering your texts.” I hear Calum’s voice through the phone.

Michael sends me a cheeky smile, leaning down and press a deep kiss to my lips quickly when I almost groan out loud in annoyance at Calum, which causes me to hum before I pull away to answer Calum.

“I’m fine, go away.” I grumble, switching the phone to speaker mode and dropping it next to me so I can do my own thing while he chatters away.

“How dare you,” Calum replies teasingly. “I am checking up on you after what you did to help me and this is how you treat me. What has happened to you, Ashton Fletcher Irwin? Since when were you ever so rude to your best friends.”

“Maybe he’s busy Cal.” Luke says somewhere in the background as Michael presses kisses to my jaw, huffing in amusement at how annoyed I am at Calum’s awful timing.

I pull Michael back into a kiss as Calum starts to reply to Luke, letting out a choked whimper when Mikey nips at my lip before soothing it with his tongue as a sort of apology – not that I minded.

“What the fuck? Ashton, you cool over there.” Calum’s laughs. I contemplate shoving the phone off of the bed in that moment but it only becomes a stronger urge when he continues to talk. “Like, that was the weirdest noise ever. What’d you do? Trip over or something?”

I groan, trying to muffle it slightly as Michael tries to hide his laughter by pressing his face into the pillows. I intentionally rut up against him to get back at him for laughing, biting my lip to keep myself quiet before answer Calum.

“I swear to god Calum, I am going to kill both you and Luke if either of you calls or texts me again tonight. Go away for fuck sake. I am literally begging you to go away.”

“But why?” Calum drags out the question as I hear Luke join him.

“Yeah, I only asked whether you wanted to join us, it’s not like I said you had to come or even sent you that many texts.” Luke speaks up.

Michael puts his hand over my mouth to muffle the groan of frustration I was about to let out before replacing it with his lips, pressing his hand firmly over the microphone on the phone as he starts another make-out session. I run one of my hands up under his shirt while the other goes along his thigh, this time travelling closer to his groin than I even had a chance to do earlier. Michael moves his hand away from the phone as he goes to the other side of my chest this time and starts to create little bruises here and there.

“What’s up with you anyway? Like seriously, you’re so snappy right now and we’re only having a conversation with you.”

“I am annoyed because – “ I hiss, cutting myself off as Michael hits a sensitive spot, him quickly pressing a kiss to both the area and to my mouth in apology before moving back to my side but his hand still wanders around and explores areas I haven’t let him near yet.

“Because...?” Luke prompts.

I groan. “Because you have to worst timing and I hate you both so much.”

Michael snickers away to himself against my chest but cuts himself off when he hisses as I scratch down his back with the hand I still have up the back of his shirt.

The other two are quiet before Luke seems to catch on slowly. “Oh my god... were you with someone when Calum decided to phone you?”

I look down towards Michael, sighing in defeat when it’s obvious that neither of us are as into it as we were before Calum messed it up. “Not anymore. You two are serious mood killers.”

“I am so sorry Ash.” Calum hurriedly says.

“Bit late for that now.” I reply, which gets a huff out of Michael who has started tracing the waistband of my shorts – ok, so maybe we are still a little into this but just not going at it as heavily as before.

“Why would you answer the phone if you were with someone? Am I the only one wondering this...” Calum speaks up again.

“I made a terrible decision that I am seriously regretting now.” Is all I say in reply as I eye Michael who has decided to sit up on his knees and pull his shirt off, muscles rippling in a mesmerising way as they follow through with his movements. “Are you going to go away now so that I can go die in a hole of rejection or will I have to stay on the line for another hour?”

“You’re not going to go on a downer,” Luke replies. “Do you want me to phone Michael, he’ll cheer you up.”

“No need.” I mumble, not too loud but I know that the chances of it being picked up by the phone are pretty high.

Just before either of them can even ask, Michael decides to speak once he has settled himself on my hips again. “I’m already here; he really hates you two right now.”

I run my hands up and down his thighs, but not before giving him a look with a raised eyebrow when I see that he is only in boxers now. I dip my fingers teasingly under the material of the leg holes and smirk when I see his body react straight away – thigh and abdominal muscles tensing in anticipation as his eyes flick down to meet mine.

“Now that you’ve embarrassed him, are you done?” Michael, somehow, is still able to act unaffected as he continues the conversation.

I run the nails of one of my hands teasingly down his stomach, stopping when my hand is literally millimetres away from palming him, and smirk when he covers the mic of the phone quickly as he groans in reaction to my teasing – finally unable to hold back.

I chuckle as I wrestle the phone out from under his hand and turn it off of speaker, putting it back to my ear to listen to what Luke is babbling on about now.

“Luke, I’m going to go die in that hole now. Michael is here so nothing bad is going happen. Goodbye.” I say quickly before hanging up before he can reply.

I nudge Michael off of me for now, crossing the room to lock the connecting door and also lock the door to the corridor. I turn, leaning back against the door I just locked as I give Michael a once over, seeing him teasingly smirking at me from where he had stretched himself out on the bed, purposely putting himself on display.

“I really shouldn’t want to continue after that.” I smirk, maintaining eye contact with him once our eyes meet.

He hums, motioning me forwards and smiling as I go easily. “Probably not but we both know you want to.”

I smile, crawling across the bed and pressing my lips to him as I straddle him this time, one of my hands running down his body and landing on his hip, thumb playing with the waistband. When I pull back, I meet his eyes as I bite my lip. “You’re right, I do.”

He groans before leaning up and pulling me down into a deep kiss. Looks like I’m not the only one who wants to continue.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

I groan when I am awoken by banging on the connecting door the next morning. I barely lift my head to throw a glare at the offending door before dropping it back to the warm surface I was previously laying on – Michael’s chest makes a great pillow when he stays still long enough. I look up and smile softly when I see that he is still peacefully asleep. I huff when the banging starts up again, finally moving away from Michael and sitting up on the edge of the bed with the duvet still covering my lap.

“Hold your horses will you, some of us were up late.” I grumble to myself as I finally spot my boxers and pull them on, quickly followed by my shorts from last night.

I throw a shoe at the door when one of them starts to make a pattern out of their knocking and growl when I hear them laugh. I pull on one of Calum’s shirts since his case is closer than mine and shuffle back over to the bed.

“Mikey, wake up, the children want to be let in.” I mumble as I shove gently as his shoulder, getting a groan from him but he gets up to pull on his clothes and at least look decent again.

I press a kiss to his shoulder before he pulls his shirt on, getting a tired smile from him as he turns his head to peck my lips before finishing up and curling up on the bed again. Once we are both decent again, not having to worry about the sheets or the contents of the bin since we fixed all of that last night before we went to sleep, I finally head over to the door. I throw my shoe back to where I found it before unlocking the door and heading to the other one to unlock that as well.

“Morning Ash.” Calum greets me, going over to his bag and pulling some clothes out to wear for the day. He sends me a playful glare when he sees me in his short but otherwise says nothing.

Michael looks over to Calum and sends him a rude gesture before dropping his head back onto the pillow he seems to be trying to become one with. Luke drops down onto Calum’s bed, lying on his back and closing his eyes. I sit on the edge of the bed, rubbing my eyes tiredly and patting Michaels arm when it makes its way around my waist.

“What is the time anyway?” I ask, my voice deep and raspy from sleep, yawning just after my question.

Luke doesn’t even look up when he answers. “It's half nine, I made the mistake of letting him choose our breakfast and I think he chose the most sugar-packed item he could find on the menu for himself.”

I huff in amusement, scratching my neck distractedly before picking up my phone from the side and turning it back on, having turned it off not long after hanging up on Luke last night. I check my texts and see a message from our manager letting us know that they want us to arrive at the venue early today since we are going to be doing an interview there at 12 and they want us to look presentable.

I let the other boys know and rub Michaels arm in some sort of condolence when he buries his face against my back in complaint.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

Once the interview is over, Michael grabs my hand and drags me behind him as he leads the way back to the dressing room. I drop down onto the sofa on my back and wrap my arms around Michael when he lies on my chest and buries his face in my neck, sighing tiredly. I hum, nuzzling against his head softly before turning my attention to Luke and Calum who have dropped down on the other sofa in the room after shutting the door behind themselves.

“Is he alright?” Luke directs at me as I rub one of my hands up and down Michael back in soothing motions and feel him relax against me.

“Yeah, just tired.” I reply shortly, pinching Mikey’s side when he nibbles at the skin on my neck which gets a giggle from him. “Stop it; I don’t need to get in trouble because of you.” I mumble quietly.

He hums before his hand comes up to play with the collar of my shirt on the opposite side of where his has his head. I look toward Calum when he makes a curious noise but he shakes his head at me before nodding his head towards Michael to show that he was talking about him. I raise an eyebrow at him but give up when he gives nothing else away. I draw patterns against Michael ribs and smile when it makes him squirm in tired attempts to get away.

“No, stop it, Ashton, I’m too tired.” He groans, after the third time squirming away.

“Well, that’s your fault.” I murmur back to him as I settle back against the arm of the couch properly.

“No it’s not; it’s all your fault.” He replies, moving around a little and moving to lie with his head on my shoulder instead of buried in my neck.

I hum, running my free hand through his hair. I squirm when I feel one of his hands worm its way under my shirt, but huff when I look down to see him watching his own movements carefully so that my shirt doesn’t get pulled up too much.

“Your hands are cold you nuisance.” I complain but it’s not really all that much of a bother.

“I know.  I’m using you to warm them up since you’re like a furnace right now.” He mumbles, looking up and meeting my eyes with a cheeky smile.

I roll my eyes at him before closing them as I lay my head back again. I hear Calum and Luke talking about something one of them saw on twitter at some point before Calum suddenly directs something to me, I don’t catch it the first time since I’m not fully paying attention so he repeats himself when I turn my head towards him.

“I’m sorry for last night; I would have ended the call straight away if you had said something earlier. It’s still kind of your fault though for answering the call when you could have ignored it.”

“Let's be honest Cal, you would have kept calling until I answered so it was kind of best that I answered the first time.” I reply which gets a chuckle from Michael.

I send him a playful glare as I move my hand up to press on an area of his back that I know for a fact is covered in scratches right now, getting a hiss from him which he bites his lip to try and cover. Luke tilts his head, analysing the sound but shrugs it off as he turns his head back to Calum who starts to speak again.

“Like, nothing bad happened right? Because I would feel so bad if you dropped or something because I couldn’t take a hint.”

“It's fine Cal. Michael stayed with me all night anyway so even if it had, I would still be fine since he wouldn’t let anything bad happen. If he couldn’t then he would have gone to your room to get Luke, okay.” I mumble, wording it carefully.

Calum seems to relax then, which means my attention shifts from him and it lands back on Michael who seems to be a little more awake now but his hand is still under my shirt – thankfully it’s not cold anymore so I don’t mind all that much.

“So what are we going to do now? Like, they wanted us here but other than an interview, we have nothing to do until later.” Michael directs to the room as a whole.

“I think they were hoping we would entertain ourselves for a while. But I get what you mean; they haven’t given us much to work with.” Luke replies, wrapping an arm around Calum who leans back against him as he plays on his phone.

Michael hums in thought before wriggling so that I will move my arm so that he can get up. He uses the limited space to move back up my body and press his lips to mine, before getting up completely.

“Where are you going?” I ask as I catch his hand.

“I was going to go and get my acoustic guitar off the techs so I have something to do.” He pauses before giving me a cheeky look. “Unless you have any better ideas,”

I send him a look. “Don’t even go there. Go and play with your guitar.”

With that, I let him go and get my phone out of my pocket, starting to go through my social medias to occupy myself and purposely ignore the look Michael sends me for not wanting to go along with his other plans.

I catch the curious look Calum sends Luke but pretend I don’t. They know a lot of the things that have gone on recently and in the past but I feel like waiting this one out.


End file.
